


Malneirophrenia

by NominNoodles



Series: Love me to Life [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ABO AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alpha Lee Jeno, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alternate Universe - Law Enforcement, Alternate Universe - Lawyers, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lawyer Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno is Whipped, Lee Jeno-centric, M/M, Marking, Mating Bites, Mating Bond, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mild Smut, NSFW, Na Jaemin is Whipped, Na Jaemin-centric, Omega Na Jaemin, Romance, Rutting, Scent Marking, Soft Lee Jeno, Soft Na Jaemin, lawyer lee jeno
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:49:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 28,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29695293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NominNoodles/pseuds/NominNoodles
Summary: Malneirophrenia: The feeling of unease or unhappiness that comes from waking up from a nightmare.Jaemin hates being an omega. So he decided to become everything omegas are not: an ambitious, independent and fierce lawyer. Making his way through the ruthless, alpha dominated world of law, wasn't too hard. Until he met Lee Jeno.Lee Jeno, a handsome, imposing alpha of renown has never been more perplexed by the gorgeous puzzle that is Na Jaemin. But as their connection deepens, he realises there is a lot more to the sassy beauty than meets the eye.Can Jeno bring down Jaemin's walls and help him heal from a traumatic past? Or will their attraction just add fuel to the fire, burning them both?"I love you.""I don't believe you"It feels bittersweet to love you, as though time has already run its ruinous path and everything good is over before it begins.It feels perilous to love you, like a dust storm swallowing up the sky or a comet skimming the stratosphereBut it is an honor to love you. Like the snow drifts giving way to spring, I will hold you for as long as I can
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: Love me to Life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2182296
Comments: 160
Kudos: 243





	1. Rigor Samsa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series as well as each chapter, is named after difficult to describe, obscure emotions.
> 
> There will be references to anxiety, trauma and sexual assault throughout the story so this serves as a general trigger warning. If there is anything specific coming up in a Chapter that could be triggering I will warn you ahead of time.

“The bench rules in favor of the plaintiff. Court adjourned” The judge declared, banging his gavel. Everyone in the courthouse began to shuffle out, a sigh of relief as the case finally concluded.

Jaemin’s client hugged him, tears streaming down her face as the lengthy custody battle came to an end. After months of deliberation, Jaemin was able to finally get his client full custody of her two kids, getting all three of them out of an abusive household permanently.

“I can’t thank you enough, Mr.Na” she clung to him, overwhelming joy brightening her face.

“You’re welcome” He smiled and bowed, waving her off.

He gathered his documents, closed his briefcase and left the almost empty courtroom. As he headed through the courthouse to the elevator, voices followed him. He was used to it by now. He was young, successful, attractive, and a _damn_ good lawyer. He was also an omega.

“That’s him.”

“Hear he just won his case.”

“He probably slept with the judge.”

“Wonder who he blew to get here”

“I’d do him too though, no question.”

Hurtful things, vulgar things. Prejudice. Have been thrown his way his entire life. As an omega, he was the lowest on the societal food chain, but as a _male_ omega he was also a rarity. Fetishized, sexualized and objectified. But he had worked _extremely_ hard, sacrificed too much to be everything an omega was _not_. He was single, ambitious, opinionated and did not bow to the whims of any alpha. And as a lawyer of repute, he stood toe to toe with the big boys in an alpha’s world.

Checking his watch, Jaemin waited for the elevator. He still had 30 minutes before his next meeting. Satisfied with the day’s outcome, he thought about his next courtdate, mentally plotting out his argument.

Suddenly a strong hand clamped down his shoulder, and tried to whip him around. Steady on his feet, Jaemin didn’t allow the stranger to move him. The hand struggled on his shoulder, gripping his suit roughly but Jaemin remained immovable. He _hated_ being touched. Especially by alphas.

“Listen here you bastard!” the aggressive stranger cursed as he stepped in front of Jaemin’s eyes, unable to get his attention from behind. It was the alpha lawyer whom he had just shredded in court.

“I know what you did” The alpha cursed at Jaemin, waving a fat finger under his nose. Jaemin resisted the urge to grimace at the sharp stink of anger coming off the alpha.

“There’s no way an omega like _you_ could win against me. You bribed someone, fucked the judge. I _know_ you did something.” He was furious, humiliated. How _dare_ an omega not know their place?

“No, Mr. Park,” Jaemin said flatly, seemingly bored by the conversation, “I’m just better than you.”

“How dare you!” He spat, his pheromones thick in the air. He was purposefully flooding the hall with his scent to upset Jaemin and get his inner omega to submit. The suddenly raised voice, accompanied by the stink of alpha, had everyone in the hallway quiet, looking their way.

“I’ll prove it! You just wait!”

The elevator arrived and Jaemin stepped inside, “Please do. In the meantime I’ll have you disbarred for slander. Have a good day Mr. Park.” the door closed in the alpha’s face.

As Jaemin walked across the underground parking lot to his car, he was already pulling off his jacket and tie. Some of the pheromones of the alpha still clung to him, and he _hated_ it. Luckily, he always had an extra suit in his car. 

“Excuse me?” Jaemin asked, blinking at his father. Making sure he had heard right.

“You heard what I said. We’re preparing for a merger. Na Attorneys will now be Lee & Na Law Firm.”

“Father, I-“ Jaemin began, staring at his father behind his desk.

“Jaemin, this is not up for discussion.” He said. Jaemin opened his mouth to continue arguing but his father cut him off with a raised hand, “Jaemin, I know how hard you have worked. And I am incredibly proud of you. I also know you expected to take over the firm from me. But it’s just not going to happen.”

“Because I’m an omega.” Jaemin stated bitterly.

“Yes.” He agreed without hesitation, “The firm won’t survive with an omega in the lead. We need a strong alpha to represent our name. Partnering with another firm is the best way.”

Jaemin remained quiet. Some part of him wasn’t surprised. His father had always supported him, pushed him to break out of what society told omegas to be. In private. In public however, when it came to reputation, image and business, his father was just like everyone else.

“I’ll be retiring at the end of the year, so there’s time to finalize the merger and get used to your new partner. I want you to lead this project. ”

Jaemin still remained quiet. Calm and cold on the outside although he was filled with rage on the inside.

“We have our first meeting with the Lee firm tomorrow morning. Prepare a project plan.” He wasn’t asking, this was a command.

“Yes, father.”

Jaemin walked into his apartment, and closed the door softly. No matter how much he wanted to storm in, slam the door, rip the place apart. He didn’t. Forcing his anger down, he undressed and stepped into the shower. Refusing to think about his father’s decision, refusing to acknowledge his feelings, he washed quickly.

Stepping out of the shower, he caught sight of his naked form. How he hated his body. The day he had presented as an omega was the worst day of his life. It hadn’t really surprised anyone, Jaemin was far too pretty and smelled much too sweet to be anything but. Yet he had secretly, desperately held onto the hope that he would be _anything_ but an omega.

He hated being an omega, the way society treated omegas, the way he was a slave to his own body and hormones, a slave to alphas. He despised it. All of it.

Turning away from the mirror, he dressed and took his laptop to bed to complete the project plan. Later that evening when sleep took him, his mind drifted to the meeting with his father. The only thing he hated more than being an omega, was alphas. And now he was going to be partnered with one for the foreseeable future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all the lovely people reading this fic, 
> 
> A lot of my own experience and past trauma was poured into this story. This was the most difficult and therapeutic thing I have ever written. It was so scary to share so much of my hurt in words, but I was able to let go and resolve my heart through this. And of course our precious Nomin helped me along the way. 
> 
> To everyone who has gone through what I have (and Jaemin has in this story) you are a survivor and I love you, I will always be on your side. 
> 
> xxxx  
> All my love,  
> Saya


	2. Monachopsis

Jeno read through the briefing material on his tablet as they drove through uptown Seoul, his father next to him.

Both successful lawyers in the corporate law sphere, Lee Heechul had decided to retire at the end of the year. His last act of business as Director of Lee Consultancies was to branch into family and inheritance law. And who better to partner with than the most successful firm in that circle: Na Attorneys.

Jeno poured over all of the details surrounding the merger. Both firms were so large and successful that it would take some time to consolidate.

“Seeing as it’s a merger, you are going to have to partner with the heir to Na Attorneys.” He explained, “but he’s an omega so that won’t be an issue. The merged firm will essentially be yours.”

Jeno nodded, and closed the tablet. Ready for his first meeting with their new partners. He had been hesitant at first when his father had brought up the idea months ago. But after carefully looking at all of the drafted business plans, he had come around. Excited for the new venture and to be the director of a brand new, expanded firm. And just as his father had said, his ‘partner’ would indeed be a non-issue.

The boardroom prepped with water, coffee and stacks of printouts, Jaemin was running over the last of the figures with his secretary Renjun, consulting the reports in his hands.

His father was at the head of the boardroom table, also reviewing the brief before the meeting started.

Renjun checked his watch, and excused himself to head downstairs to the lobby. The Lees would arrive any minute now. Breathing deeply, Jaemin took his seat between Johnny and Jaehyun. Jaemin had known the two alphas since law school, they had been close friends for many years and had worked themselves up next to Jaemin at Na Attorneys to be two of the best lawyers in the country. As employees and trusted friends, their input during the meeting would be essential. But as close as they seemed, Jaemin still kept the two at arm’s length.

“Ready?” Jaehyun asked, Jaemin smiled and nodded. Ever icy-calm on the outside, he was still anxious in his heart. As much as he had prepared, he still didn’t know what to expect.

Moments later, a soft knock came at the door, prompting everyone to stand and greet the new arrivals.

Jeno entered the boardroom behind his father and was surprised to see four alphas gathered there. Wasn’t the omega son going to attend? He was supposed to be his partner after this merger after all. A little irked at the absence of the omega, Jeno shook the hand of Na Joongki.

“Great to finally meet you Jeno.” The handsome alpha director smiled, “We’re excited to work with you.”

“Nice to meet you too, sir.” He said politely.

“This is Suh Johnny and Jeong Jaehyun, senior partners” Joongki introduced the two tall alphas. Jeno and his father shook their hands, smiling. Johnny smelled of leather and musk and Jaehyun of oranges and summer. Both were confident and firm, imposing alphas.

“And this is my son, Na Jaemin.” Jeno blinked in surprise. The fourth person in the room was indeed the omega. He had such a confident bearing and seemingly strong presence that Jeno had mistaken him for an alpha. But now up close, Jeno could see he was far too pretty and slender to be an alpha.

Jeno reached out his hand, and Jaemin shook it. His palm ice cold to the touch. He smiled and bowed politely, but his smile didn’t reach his cool eyes. Jeno frowned slightly. The omega smelled of… nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even with scent blockers could an omega erase their smells completely. Odd.

“This is Kim Hanbin and Lee Mark, our senior partners.” Lee Heechul introduced the alphas by his side. After exchanging a few more pleasantries, everyone sat comfortably, ready for the predictably long meeting.

“Shall we begin?” Joongki asked, smiling.

Jaemin stood first, buttoning his blazer, he stepped to the front and began presenting his project plan for the merger, laser pointer in hand he flipped through slides of his carefully crafted plan. He spoke clearly, and concisely, answering all of the question from the Lee group with ease. His plan was detailed and well thought out.

Jeno watched Jaemin carefully while he spoke, perplexed by the mysterious omega. He was confident and assertive without being arrogant. He had never seen any omega carry themselves that way, much less being the only omega in a room with seven alphas.

Hanbin was next. His project plan was equally good, but it was far more aggressive and ambitious, condensing the process into 3 months where Jaemin’s was stretched over a 10-month period.

As Hanbin sat down, they opened the table for discussion, trying to formulate the best plan going forward among them.

“Mr. Kim, I don’t see your latest audit included here, nor your financial predictions for the upcoming quarter.” Jaemin stated, going through the documents.

“Ah yes, that was purposefully excluded from the project timeline. Undergoing an audit and composing a predictive model would lengthen the process unnecessarily.” Hanbin explained, but he wasn’t looking at Jaemin. He was looking at Joongki as if he had asked the question.

“I see. Apologies but that would not be acceptable” Jaemin said, looking directly at Hanbin.

“Excuse me?” Hanbin asked in disbelief. Did an omega just question him?

“Efficiency is efficiency, not cutting corners. I do require some due diligence on your part if we are to move forward” Jaemin said simply. Suddenly the atmosphere became tense as the bitter smell of angered pheromones permeated the air.

“Mergers are based on trust, how can you be so suspicious of our background before we have even begun the process?” Hanbin asked through gritted teeth.

“Trust is based on conditions. This is the future of both of our firms.” Jaemin asserted, firm in his standpoint. Hanbin’s face grew dark at the pushback, his angry stench making everyone shift in their seats, “Without full transparency, and _proper_ planning, this merger is not going to happen.”

Hanbin was speechless, utterly floored at the audacity of this _omega._

“Good. I don’t want to work for an omega who doesn’t _know his place anyway”_ shock settled in the room as Hanbin’s alpha voice echoed off the walls. For an alpha to use their inner voices wasn’t illegal, but it was considered especially rude and offensive. An alpha’s inner voice served to assert dominance over other alphas, but most importantly as a kind of weapon to force omegas into submission.

Jaemin did not back down. The omega in him, whimpered, pathetically crying, pleading to submit under an alpha, to beg for his forgiveness, apologize for their disobedience. But Jaemin the man, refused. He forcefully shoved that disgusting, weak part of himself down, and instead levelled his gaze at Hanbin.

“Mr. Kim clearly we are not on the same page and I do not agree with your methods. As of now, the merger is off the table.” Jaemin said calmly, folding his hands in his lap. Joongki frowned at Jaemin, but remained quiet. Hanbin sputtered, Johnny and Jaehyun had both jumped to their feet, but before they could make a bigger mess, Mark intervened.

“I sincerely apologize on behalf of my colleague; his behavior is inexcusable. May we please reschedule? We would like for the negotiations to go forward.” Mark stood and bowed deeply to Jaemin and Joongki, Jeno had a death grip on Hanbin’s arm, silently forcing the man to submit under his stronger alpha.

Rushed goodbyes and clipped apologies were spoken as they all but dragged a sputtering Hanbin out. As Jeno left, he looked over his shoulder at the beautiful omega who had remained so calm and composed, so strong, as he sat coolly in his chair – unaffected by the rage of an alpha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic means so much to me - and seeing how much love everyone is showing it literally has me speechless <3 
> 
> Tysm for all the love and understanding xxx you guys are phenomenal


	3. Mauerbauertraurigkeit

“Jaemin, this is killing you.” Taeil said, a doctor and a close friend.

“I know.” Jaemin said, acknowledging the fact that what he was doing to himself was damaging his health. He had already felt it, the dizziness, the nausea, the exhaustion.

“Is dying better than being an omega?” He demanded, worry creasing his brow.

“Yes.” Jaemin whispered, staring out the window of Taeil’s examination room. Taeil stared at his friend, unable to reply. 

5 years ago Jaemin had found illegal, blackmarket super-suppressants that could suppress everything related to being an omega. His cycles, his scent, hormones, urges. All absent. But it was dangerous. Omegas weren’t meant to not have their heats, not be without their unique scents. But for Jaemin, being a heatless, scentless omega was the only way he could deal with life.

“Jaem.” Taeil said softly, moving closer to his friend, “I know how difficult things have been for you, what you went through. But as your friend I’m begging you, please stop taking those suppressants. It has already permanently affected your fertility.”

A moment of silence fell, before Jaemin stood up and headed for the door.

“I’ll see you next month.” Jaemin said with a soft smile, and left. Leaving a very worried and sad Taeil behind.

“Can I help you sir?” The secretary in the lobby of Na Attorneys asked Jeno.

“Yes, I would like to see Na Jaemin.”

“Do you have an appointment?”

“Uh… no, I don’t”

“I’m so sorry sir, you need to make an appointment if you want to see Mr. Na.”

“Can you please just tell him Jeno is here? I’m certain he’s willing to see me.”

He was not certain.

The secretary hesitated, but the alpha in front of her was so handsome and seemed nice, so she called up to Renjun.

“Hi, Mr. Huang. This is reception, there is a Mr Jeno here to see Mr Jaemin.”

Jeno waited patiently, looking around the spacious corporate lobby.

“Alright, thank you” She hung up the phone, “He’ll see you.” She smiled at the good looking alpha.

“Thank you.” He smiled and bowed, heading for the elevator.

Stepping out on the 7the floor, Jeno bowed to Renjun as he received him and led him to Jaemin’s office. Renjun opened Jaemin’s door and let Jeno in. He was sitting behind his desk, completing some paperwork.

“Mr. Lee” Jaemin said, raising his eyes from his work to look at Jeno. He stood, reaching out a polite hand, “I didn’t think I would see you again so soon.” Jaemin smiled, eyes cold. Jeno shook his hand, his palm soft against his own calloused one.

“Call me Jeno,” He said smiling back, but the coldness in Jaemin’s eyes made him think, that he would _not_ be calling him Jeno. “After the meeting last week, I thought it best to meet in private. Apologies for dropping by unannounced” Jeno explained with a soft smile.

Jaemin nodded and indicated for Jeno to take a seat, ever polite.

“I also wanted to inform you that Hanbin has been suspended” Jeno said, making himself comfortable across from Jaemin.

“That wasn’t necessary” Jaemin said, crossing his long legs.

“His behaviour was unacceptable, never mind directing his inner alpha voice at you.” Jeno said, frowning. He had thought Jaemin would be relieved, why was he being so cool about it? The whole ordeal should have been quite upsetting and traumatizing, _wasn’t it?_

“In this industry, did you really think this was my first experience of the sort?” Jaemin said, polite, cold smile still gleaming.

Jeno was silent, this omega mystified him. He was very much un-omega like.

“In any case, I would like to continue with the merger. If you are willing, I would suggest you and I collaborate on the project-plan in our private capacity.”

Jaemin kept quiet for a moment, looking at the alpha in front of him. He smelled of apples and cinnamon and spice, tall and handsome. He was imposing, and authoritative, but not threatening. Intimidating, yet kind – an odd combination for an alpha.

“I will think on it.” Jaemin said.

Jeno nodded, not surprised. He didn’t think this was going to be easy.

“I’ll leave my number with your secretary, give me a call when you are ready” with another handshake and a bow, Jeno left.

In the elevator on his way down, he thought about Jaemin again. The stunning omega, in his perfectly tailored suit, black hair pushed back, big beautiful eyes. But he lacked the natural warm softness that all omegas had. Jeno wondered why that it. Jaemin was a perplexing puzzle, and Jeno couldn’t wait to solve it.

Four days later, Jaemin called him.

“Mr. Lee?”

“ _Hello?”_

“This is Na Jaemin.”

“ _Jaemin! I take it you thought about what we discussed?”_

Jaemin frowned at the use of his first name, they weren’t that familiar.

“Yes. I’m willing to give this another shot”

_“Great! Are you free tonight? We should start as soon as possible”_

“Agree. We can meet at your office, around 7pm?”

“ _I’m working from home today – but we can meet here._ ”

“I don’t th-“

“ _I’ll text you the address.”_

“Mr. Lee wai-“

_”See you later!”_

Click.

Jaemin stared at the phone in his hand, not knowing what to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mauerbauertraurigkeit: The inexplicable urge to push people away.
> 
> You guys are amazing xxx  
> Thank you so much for loving this fic <3


	4. Rubatosis

Jaemin sat in his car outside of the apartment building, wringing his steering wheel in worry. There was a reason he didn’t visit alpha’s homes. A reason why his closest friends were all betas or omegas. A reason that he went to omega only clubs and hangouts. But how could he explain his affliction to a stranger?

But Jaemin didn’t have a choice. His father had made it _very_ clear that the firm would not be his alone, and as an omega he knew no other firms would hire him. So it was either stop practicing law, or make this merger work.

Taking a deep breath, Jaemin grabbed his briefcase and headed inside.

Jeno had just taken the lasagne out of the oven when someone knocked.

“Coming!” He called, pulling off the ovenmits, he headed for the door. Jeno pulled open his front door to welcome Jaemin in, he looked perfect as always in a navy pinstriped suit, black hair styled. Ice in his eyes.

“Jaemin! Come in.” He said smiling, stepping to the side to let him in. Jaemin seemed to hesitate, but came in anyway.

Jaemin looked around the luxurious apartment, it was beautiful and warm. Wooden floors, leather furniture, warm toned walls and fluffy carpets. It was inviting yet still rich and masculine. Very much like it’s owner.

Jaemin stiffened as the smell of apples and spice washed over him, the smell so blatantly _alpha_ that he wanted to pinch his nose closed.

“I just made some lasagne, so let’s eat first”

“Actullay Mr. Lee –“

“Jeno”

“… Jeno.” Jaemin said slowly as if the name felt strange in his mouth, “I don’t have that much time.”

“No problem, we can eat while we work.”

Jaemin _really_ wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but seeing how Jeno’s eyes softened when he smiled, and how welcoming he had been, Jaemin didn’t want to be rude. And he didn’t want to explain himself either. Jeno would never understand. Very few people did understand Jaemin for that matter.

“I set up some work space in the dining room, you can make yourself comfortable” Jeno explained, directing Jaemin toward a large wooden dining table close to the massive floor to ceiling window, overlooking the city.

Jaemin nodded in thanks and dropped his briefcase on the table between all of Jeno’s notes and paperwork for the project. He unbuttoned his jacket and hung it over the back of his chair, and with a sigh he turned up his shirt sleeves, ready for work. Breathing in deeply, calming himself – big mistake. He got a nose and mouth full of alpha, spiking his heartbeat.

_Jeno is not dangerous. Calm down._ He told himself, but another voice in his head asked, _how do you know he’s not dangerous?_

Jaemin set his brow, shoved his thoughts down and took a seat. Sighing, he opened his briefcase and removed all of the documents related to his project plan for the merger. Jeno approached with two steaming plates of food, unaware how distressed Jaemin was in his heart.

“So, this was what I had in mind…” Jeno handed some documents to Jaemin, eating with his other hand.

It was nearly 11pm when Jaemin leaned back in his chair and stretched, shoulders stiff. They had made great progress and had an outline ready. There was still a lot of work to do, but Jaemin was satisfied. And somewhere along the way, he had relaxed in Jeno’s presence. Less aware of his scent and station as an alpha, they had worked comfortably together, Jeno’s warmth and easy-going attitude comforting him in a way.

Jeno glance at Jaemin as he stretched, more puzzled that ever. They had worked well together, Jaemin was extremely sharp and had a keen eye. He also seemed to relax little by little as they worked and talked, the ice in his eyes thawing ever so slightly. Jeno hoped that Jaemin would warm up to him more as they were going to be partners for the foreseeable future.

“It’s late.” Jaemin said.

“I’ll be in court the rest of the week” Jeno explained, “Let’s meet over the weekend if you’re free.”

“I have time.” Jaemin said simply, standing and gathering his things.

“We can meet here, or at your place.” Jeno suggested, Jaemin blanched. _Not over his dead body would he let an alpha into his home._

“No.” Jaemin said, a little too forcefully, “I mean, I’ll just… come over. It’s fine.” He smiled tightly.

Jeno frowned slightly, taken aback as he saw the icy shutters go up behind Jaemin’s eyes again.

“Okay, let me know what time suits you.” Jeno replied, smiling warmly trying to comfort Jaemin.

Jeno walked Jaemin out, but as he said goodbye and opened the door, someone was already on the other side.

It was Hanbin, reeking of alcohol and fury. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves ;)


	5. Klexos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Anxiety, panic attack, implied assault, vomiting

Jeno’s eyes widened as he took stock of his colleague on the other side of the door. He was drunk, stumbling and livid. His eyes glowed red with alpha rage, his sharp stink of upset wafting through the air.

“You!” Hanbin spat, stepping into Jeno’s apartment, drilling a finger into Jaemin’s chest. He had come to talk to Jeno, to convince him to lift his suspension. It wasn’t his fault after all, how the meeting had gone. But seeing that disgrace of an omega in his friend’s apartment, suddenly everything made sense.

Jaemin didn’t move. He would _not_ waver, he stood firm even as Hanbin growled at him.

“So that’s why you were so _arrogant_ in front of an alpha. You were fucking my boss all this time weren’t you.” He spat at Jaemin.

“Hanbin! Enough!” Jeno said, angry. He pushed Hanbin away from Jaemin with a strong hand, stepping between them.

“You have to leave.” Jeno said, voice firm as his alpha made itself known. The scent of cinnamon and spice thick in the air. Jaemin wanted to gag form the stink of two alphas competing, but he kept his face neutral, standing tall as he had always done.

“You traitor! You chose the side of a lowly _omega_ , a _freak_ like him, over _me?_ ” Hanbin spat at Jeno, he tried to push him, but Jeno didn’t even move, his muscular chest firm against Hanbin’s assault.

“You need to go.” Jeno growled, his inner alpha voice leaking through, asserting dominance.

The hairs on the back of Jaemin’s neck stood up at the sound. For some off reason, his inner omega purred at the sound of Jeno’s voice, instead of whimpering like it usually does. Jaemin frowned, God why were omegas so hormonal. Absolutely mercurial. He hated it.

Hanbin stepped away from Jeno, stumbling slightly at the force of being dominated by a stronger alpha.

“This isn’t over! You’ll regret ever spreading your legs to get to the top” He cursed, looking at Jaemin with such unwarranted _hatred_.

Jeno watched as his colleague (after tonight ex-colleague definitely) left down the hallway, swaying from drunkenness. His anger not fading yet, Jeno turned to Jaemin.

“Are you alright?” He asked, concerned. But as he had come to know, Jaemin’s expression gave away nothing.

“Fine.” He said tightly, stepping through the door.

“Wait” Jeno said, grabbing Jaemin’s wrist, “Just give him a minute to leave”

Jaemin looked at Jeno’s big hand encircling his wrist. He wanted to snap, but of course he didn’t, he just levelled a threatening look at Jeno. He quickly dropped Jaemin’s wrist as if burned.

“I don’t need you to protect me.” Jaemin said, voice tight, clipped.

“That’s not-“ Jeno began, but Jaemin had already left.

In his car, Jaemin sped home. Driving like a madman, he pulled off his tie, breathing hard. His anxiety had peaked and he might just have a panic attack while driving. But he gritted his teeth and wove through traffic as his vision became blurry and breathing got harder and harder.

Skidding to a halt in front of his home, he dashed inside. Panic driving his actions, purging any logical thought from his head. Horrible memories of bruising hands and alpha lusts reeled through his mind. Mocking his weakness.

He all but fell through the front door, ripping off his clothes he made it to the sink just in time to empty his stomach. He vomited with such force that his whole body cramped. Palms clammy, sweat dripping off his forehead, the torrents of a panic attack crashed like waves through his body.

All he saw in his mind were red eyes, glaring at him. The stink of angry alpha stuck in his throat. Jaemin slid to the floor as his heart beat in his ears, breathing heavy. Dark memories, old wounds ripping through him.

He didn’t know how long he sat there breathing hard, but finally he was able to calm himself enough to stand up, body stiff and cold. He splashed water on his face, the remnants of his panic like thick sludge in his veins. Jaemin looked at himself in the mirror, his anxiety spiking again, chest clutching painfully. His eyes were glowing purple. An extremely rare omega phenomenon. They hadn’t shone purple in 5 years and now was _not the time._

_No, no, no, no, no._ Jaemin though desperately, _Not now, please not again._ He ripped open his bathroom cabinet, searching for his suppressants. Just as he pulled out the orange bottle and dumped four pills in his palm, twice the prescribed dose, he could smell something. His own scent. He hated the stink of alpha, but he despised his own lily-lotus-opium spell the most. With the scent dark and disgusting memories, _shame_ , ripped through his brain. And spread through him like acid. Hands shaking, insides burning, chest hollow, he tossed the pills down his throat.

Desperate to get away from his own smell, he got in the shower still wearing his pants and socks. The water impossibly hot, burned over his skin as he frantically scrubbed himself, skin turning red from the friction. Soon the scent faded, oppressed by the medication and the scent blockers in his shower-gel. After a while, breathing hard, Jaemin managed to come down from the high caused by crippling fear as the steaming water burned down his body. With apprehension, he snuck a peak at his reflection, his eyes were red-rimmed but back to their normal brown. With a sigh of relief, Jaemin slowly got out of the shower, his wet clothes spilling water into the bathroom. He stripped, leaving the sopping pile on the floor. Dressing in comfortable _scentless_ clothes, he cleaned up the bathroom and chucked the suit he had worn that day into a garbage bag.

Washing his hands for the fifth time in a row, Jaemin sprayed on another layer of scent blockers. Logically knowing it wasn’t necessary, he was as odourless as snow, it still made him feel better. With a glass of whiskey and a cigarette in hand, he stood in the garden of his townhouse, as if nothing had happened and it was just another night. The cold wind tussled his hair, the smell of smoke enveloping him. The taste of ash and alcohol soothing him, replacing the remnants of his own scent, the demons of his past back in their boxes.

He had survived with this torment, the anguish like an ink stain on his heart, for 5 years. He could continue to do so. As long as no one knew how broken he really was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tysm to every single person who reads this fic! You guys are incredible, for all the comments and kudos and support - I am so moved.
> 
> This experience has been incredibly difficult but so healing, and writing this chapter that is SO close to home through Jaemin's eyes I feel like I can finally be free <3 <3
> 
> Keep safe & healthy
> 
> xxx  
> Saya


	6. Pâro

Jeno didn’t hear from Jaemin for the rest of the week, but he didn’t want to pressure him or reach out first, still concerned about what had happened with Hanbin. So he waited. He had a successful week in court and made some good progress in his cases, he would have a comfortable weekend regardless, and maybe he could work on the project alone. But worry for Jaemin still nagged at him. Then around 3pm his phone finally pinged.

It was Jaemin texting him with a simple _7pm?_ Jeno responded with a thumbsup. With small frown on his face, he left his home and headed to the gym, his thoughts still filled with Jaemin.

Male omegas were extremely rare, less than 0,5% of the population, but this omega was an even rarer mystery and perplexed Jeno to no end.

Jaemin shifted on his feet, not completely ready to knock on the door. He breathed deeply, the smell of apples and spice faint. After his panic attack earlier the week, he had been on edge, easily upset. The super-suppressants also took their toll on him, he was exhausted, haunted by insomnia, nausea and body aches. But, no matter how shitty he felt, his job and his firm were incredibly important to him, so shoving all discomfort aside, he knocked on Jeno’s front door. The alpha opened a moment later, his soft crescent smile greeting Jaemin. He was dressed comfortably in sweats and a tee, glasses framing his pretty eyes.

_Pretty eyes?_ Jaemin felt unhinged again at the thought of his inner omega admiring Jeno’s appearance.

Politely nodding, Jaemin entered, perfectly put together in his tailored suit as always.

“Coffee?” Jeno asked warmly, heading to the kitchen.

“Sure”

“How do you take it?”

“Strong, black, sweet.”

“Coming right up.”

Jaemin made his way to the dining room table where they had worked earlier that week. It seemed that Jeno had made some progress on his own, based on the scribbles and sticky notes now splattered across their plans.

Free of his jacket, sleeves rolled up, Jaemin poured over the documents to see what Jeno had gotten done. He scrunched his nose as the smell of apples and spices lifted off the papers as he pages through them.

“Do I smell that bad?” Jeno joked, laughing as he set Jaemin’s coffee down by his elbow. Jaemin looked up, schooling his expression.

“No, it’s not that.”

“You’re sensitive to smells right?” Jeno asked, curious.

“Something like that.” Jaemin grumbled, not looking at the smiling alpha.

Jeno carefully looked at Jaemin. His big, doe-eyes were running over the pages, he was nibbling on his lip in concentration – Jeno’s alpha hummed at the sight.

_Down boy._

“Here you made a note on corporate culture – can you explain what you meant?” Jaemin asked, holding out the document to show Jeno.

Jeno leaned in to see what Jaemin was referring to, but Jaemin immediately pulled himself back, not allowing the distance between them to decrease. Not commenting on Jaemin’s behaviour, Jeno gently took the paper from him.

“Oh, yeah. So…”

Jeno carefully explained his idea for how to deal with merging their employees and very different company identities.

Jaemin nodded, asked questions and made suggestions as Jeno scribbled on the plan.

After almost two hours of hammering out the details, Jeno leaned back in his chair, smiling with satisfaction.

“I think we can start drawing up the contracts. Agree?” He asked Jaemin.

“Definitely. Do you want to outsource it?” Jaemin asked.

“No, I’ll just do it. I am a corporate lawyer after all,” he winked at Jaemin, bit got no reaction, “I’ll have the draft checked though.”

Jaemin nodded silently.

“If you still have some time, I can start drawing up the contract now.” Jeno suggested

“Sure. I can start working on company communications and press releases.”

And soon they were back to working together, side-by-side in comfortable silence.

Close to 1am, Jeno was in the kitchen making their nth round of coffee. As the coffee machine was grinding the beans, Jeno took a moment to look at Jaemin once again. He had his back to the kitchen, typing away on his laptop. His fascination with Jaemin never ceased, he was like a code Jeno just had to crack, a beautiful puzzle to be solved. Jeno knew that there was warmth and softness in him, he had seen it peak through a number of times. Jeno couldn’t help but wonder why Jaemin was so guarded, so closed off. jeno didn't know why but there was something within him that was inexplicably drawn to Jaemin, like he was bewitched. He didn't know if it was Jeno the man, or Jeno the alpha, but he _wanted_ Jaemin. Wanted to be near him, wanted to talk to him, hold him. 

While they were working, Jeno had tried to get to know him a bit better, asking about about him and his life, start a more personal conversation. But Jaemin’s short answers quickly showed Jeno he was _not_ going to play ball.

Coffees in hand, Jeno headed back to the dining table. Checking on Jaemin’s work he stood behind him reading on the laptop.

Jeno leaned over his head slightly, “Don’t you think –“

Jaemin started sharply, shocked suddenly voice above him and the thick waft of spice.

“Oh, I’m so sorry Jaemin. Didn’t mean to scare you.” Jeno smiled good naturedly as he sat the two cups down.

“I was just wondering-“ he started again wanting to ask something about the press brief, but then he saw Jaemin’s pale face, “Are you okay?”

“… just, uhm… just need some fresh air.” Jaemin said, voice tight.

“Yeah sure, the balcony’s over here.” Jeno said, frowning at Jaemin, wondering what was wrong.

Jeno stepped over to the side of the living room and opened the large glass doors that led out onto a spacious balcony. Within a heartbeat, Jaemin was on the balcony, breathing the outside air, the cool late night breeze soothing his heart. He was embarrassed that Jeno had scared him like that, he was usually much more in control and apathetic. But this week he felt especially on edge and oddly sensitive. Cursing his inner omega for making him so delicate and fragile, Jaemin pulled out a cigarette.

Cigarette between his lips, he breathed in deeply. The taste and smell of the smoke drowning out his anxious thoughts, the last bit of apples and spices that clung to him dissolving in the grey cloud. He hated smoking actually, he knew it was a nasty habit. But it was the quickest way to get lingering scents off his clothes and out of his nose. And it fed some of his deep seated self-destructive urges.

Jeno examined Jaemin. He stood off to the side of the balcony, giving Jaemin his space. He had quickly noticed that the omega preferred to keep a distance from others. Jeno was a bit surprised when Jaemin took out a cigarette, he didn’t seem the type to smoke. His surprise was quickly replaced with worry as Jaemin lit his cigarette with shaking hands.

“Is there…something wrong?” Jeno asked slowly.

“Just tired.” Jaemin repeated, rubbing his eyes with a palm.

“Let’s wrap up here then – we can finalize everything later this week.” Jeno said, smiling softly trying to ease an obviously distressed Jaemin.

“Take your time, I’ll finish up inside.” Jeno said and left Jaemin on the balcony.

Tiredness settling in his in mind bones, Jaemin flicked his cigarette bud over the balcony’s edge. Breathing deeply, comforted by the smell of smoke, he slowly went inside, a little unsteady on his feet.

He stepped into the light, blinking slowly as it felt like some of the night outside had clung to his vision. Shaking his head to clear his darkening vision, Jaemin felt the world tilt before it went completely dark, Jeno calling his name echoed in the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luckily Nana has Jenito to take care of him <3 
> 
> Predictions? I'm super curious to hear what you guys think will happen next :)


	7. Kuebiko

Jeno looked up from tidying the dining room table as he saw Jaemin enter. His brow creased with worry at how pale and drawn his face was.

“Jaemin?” Jeno asked as he saw Jaemin stumble. The next moment, Jaemin was teetering on his feet. “Jaemin!” Jeno sprinted toward him, just in time to catch his now unconscious form.

“Jaemin?” He gently tapped Jaemin’s cheek to get him to wake up, but he was unresponsive, skin ice cold, body limp. Jeno checked his pulse. His heart dropped at how weak and slow it was. Without hesitating, he pulled Jaemin in his arms and ran out of his apartment.

“He is stable now Mr. Lee, but that was a close call.” The doctor in the ER spoke to Jeno. It was nearly 6am.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“We…are not completely sure. We are running some blood test, so we will know soon. For now he should rest. You can visit him if you’d like.” The doctor bowed and left.

Jeno hesitated, his family should be there instead of a strange alpha the omega barely knew. But he had no way of contacting Jaemin’s family and the omega’s phone was left back at his apartment.

Jeno entered the room that Jaemin was in and took a seat by his bedside. He was hooked up to an IV, a small tube under his nose. Dark shadows dogged his eyes, his porcelain skin pale. Jeno wondered if he was overworked, or maybe if he was ill. He knew Jaemin was closed off and had secrets behind his ice cold demeanour – that was easy to spot from their first meeting. But Jeno wondered what the reason was, or if this was simply his personality.

Dozing in the chair by Jaemin’s bedside, Jeno was awakened by the scrape of the door opening.

“Mr Lee?” the doctor was back, “We have your partner’s bloodwork back.”

Of course the doctors would assume they were together, Jeno all but wanted to roll his eyes – as if an alpha and an omega couldn’t be just friends. But Jeno didn’t correct him, for some very bizarre reason, his alpha seemed to purr in satisfaction when referred to as Jaemin’s partner. _What?_

“We found traces of an illegal substance in Mr Na’s blood.”

“What?” _Drugs? Jaemin was a drug addict?_ Jeno looked over at the still sleeping Jaemin, concern for his wellbeing tightening his heart.

“It’s an illegal super-suppressant” the doctor explained. So it wasn’t drugs, but what then?

“I don’t understand.” Jeno said slowly. _What was going on?_

“These super-suppressants completely supress an omega’s hormones, scent and even their heat for a prolonged period of time. But it is dangerous. It can harm their health.” The doctor hesitated, “You didn’t know about this? You didn’t notice he was completely odourless, heatless?” the doctor frowned, judging Jeno.

“I mean, I knew he doesn’t have a scent. But this…” Jeno rubbed over his face, more perplexed and even more worried. Jaemin wanted to supress his omega so much that he was willing to harm himself? _Why would he do this?_

“We have him on some stimulants to cleanse the substance out of his system, but I am afraid he needs to stop taking them immediately or risk permanent damage to his heart.”

Jeno just nodded, confusion clogging his brain.

“I’ll be back when he wakes. It shouldn’t be long now.” The doctor bowed and left.

Jeno took his seat at Jaemin’s bedside once again, looking carefully at the beautiful omega, wondering what was going on in his mind. Just as Jeno was settled in again, the door opened once more, a different doctor entered. This one was a beta, small and cute – his face scrunched in concern as he hurried toward Jaemin’s side.

“You _fucking idiot_ , I told you this was going to happen.” The doctor whispered hurriedly, checking Jaemin’s pulse, paging through his file, seemingly unaware Jeno was in the room.

“Uh… can I help you?” Jeno asked, standing.

“Oh! I’m so sorry I didn’t see you” the doctor bowed to Jeno, sticking out his hand, “I’m Moon Taeil. A friend of Jaemin’s, I work in this hospital and I saw his name on the new intake list.”

“Lee Jeno, Jaemin and I work together.” He replied, shaking his hand.

“Uh… about the stuff he was taking…” Jeno began, rubbing his neck awkwardly, not knowing how to ask what he wanted to know. He was desperately trying to understand Jaemin, wanting to help.

“He told you?” Taeil seemed surprised

“No, they did some bloodwork and the doctor told me.”

Taeil just sighed.

“Why would he do this to himself?” Jeno asked

“That is not for me to tell.” Taeil seemed extremely sad suddenly, his light butter-popcorn scent suddenly heavy with distress.

“But what can be so awful that he is willing to endanger his health?”

“There are some things in this world that are worse than death.” Taeil whispered.

Jeno opened his mouth to ask another question, but was interrupted when Taeil’s pager beeped.

“I need to go, I have surgery in an hour.” Taeil said, turning toward Jeno, “Take this. He’ll need it when he wakes up.” He handed Jeno a silver bottle of liquid scent blockers, then hesitated, “Please take care of him Jeno”. The alpha frowned down at the flask in his hand, confused. But Taeil was already gone.

Tired and puzzled, Jeno sat back down and almost instantly fell asleep.

A few hours later, Jeno woke. Body stiff from sleeping in a chair. Jeno looked over at Jaemin, still asleep and unmoving, wondering what had woken him.

Then he noticed it. A scent. Jeno sniffed, it was faint but _god_ it was the most enticing thing he has ever smelled in his entire life. It must have been this smell that pulled him from sleep. Where was it coming from?

Puzzled, Jeno leaned closer to Jaemin, and sniffed the air again. It was the omega. It was the first time that Jeno smelled him. Jaemin smelled of lilies and lotus. Opium and paradise, delicious, addictive things.

It was almost as if Jaemin’s scent was making his alpha high. His inner beast was happily growling, purring and _desiring_ as Jaemin’s scent slowly enveloped the room as the suppressants left his system. Fidgeting with his hands, Jeno was restless. He really _really_ wanted to stay with Jaemin – or maybe it was just his alpha, Jeno couldn’t tell anymore. But he knew he had to leave soon. This was _not_ good for him and could be disastrous for their partnership. An attraction to a scent could quickly lead to affection, and Jeno had never smelled someone as alluring as Jaemin. Making his mind up to leave, he would apologise to Jaemin later, but right now he had to protect them both.

Standing to leave, Jaemin suddenly stirred. Jeno looked down at him carefully as his long lashes fluttered and his deep chocolate eyes focused on Jeno. Slowly he woke, looking around in confusion. Jeno stood by his bed, holding his breath.

He groaned and gingerly lifted himself up, Jeno reached out to help him sit up but Jaemin waved him off.

“What…what happened?” Jaemin asked softly, voice rough.

“You passed out” Jeno answered simply, still standing next to the bed.

“So you brought me to the hospital?” he frowned at Jeno.

“Well, you weren’t breathing properly and your pulse was weird. So” Jeno crossed his arms, t-shirt tightening over his muscular frame, keeping his hands occupied.

“Thanks I guess, but-“ Jaemin fell silent, his eyes suddenly widening as he sniffed the air. The blood drained form his face.

“Jaemin? What’s wrong?” thinking he was going to pass out again, he reached for Jaemin to try and steady him. Jaemin slapped his hand away with force, panic evident on his face.

“Stay-stay away from me!”

Jeno took a step back, holding his hands up. He wasn’t sure why Jaemin was suddenly so distressed, but his lily-lotus-opium scent quickly spiked.

“Jaemin, I’m not going to hurt you.” Jeno said slowly, holding up his hands. Trying to soothe the panicked omega.

It didn’t look like Jaemin heard him, he was furiously rubbing at his neck, where his scent glands lay.

“No, no, no, no” He muttered to himself, scratching at his skin.

Realizing, Jeno grabbed the flask Taeil had brought earlier and held it out to Jaemin. He grabbed it. Even though the scent blocker was meant to be sprayed on, Jaemin broke off the top and poured the entire bottle over his head, soaking himself and his bed. Instantly, his sweet scent vanished from the room.

Silence fell as Jeno stood further back, watching carefully as Jaemin breathed hard, black hair dripping. Jaemin buried his head in his hands, trying to still himself. After a moment, his heart slowed and he could breathe again. Pushing his wet hair out of his eyes, he looked at Jeno.

“Please don’t tell anyone.” Jaemin pleaded softly, meeting the alpha’s eyes.

“Jaemin, are you alright? What’s going on?” Jeno asked, concerned. His alpha was whimpering. Desperately wanting to protect the omega, comfort him. As a man, his heart also twisted with worry.

“Promise. Please.” Jaemin pleaded again, desperation and pain stealing the light from his beautiful eyes.

“I promise.” Jeno replied after a moment.

Jaemin looked away, ashamed at being so vulnerable in front of an alpha, being weak. Being an unstable, emotional omega. Self-loathing burned like acid in his chest. Regret at cracking open his shell in the presence of another. When over and over again he had promised himself he would never let anyone see his shame, his brokenness.

“I’ll uhm… go see if you can be discharged. Then I’ll take you home.” Jeno said and left.

The car ride home was quiet. Tense. Jaemin looked out of the window as buildings passed by. He was grateful that Jeno didn’t say or ask anything. Especially after the doctor had given him an earful about the super-suppressants he had been taking, in Jeno’s presence. Jaemin would be grateful if Jeno just pretended nothing had happened.

Jeno stopped outside of Jaemin’s home. It was a large, yet cozy brick townhouse with white framed windows and a colourful garden.

“Jaemin-“ Jeno started, but he was already out of the car. Closing the door, Jaemin went inside without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart :,) 
> 
> Luckily precious Nana has Jenito <3


	8. Exulansis

Monday came, and Jaemin was back in the office as if nothing had happened. He was once again dressed and groomed neatly, calm and collected. For a brief moment he had considered taking some time off, he was still raw on the inside, but he discarded that idea quickly. He wasn’t weak, he was a survivor and he’d be damned if a small incident such as this kept him away from his job. He hadn’t told anyone about what had happened, not his parents or his friends – having Jeno see his insides was bad enough. He would never forgive himself if his friends and family _really_ knew him. He would never survive if he saw the pity in their eyes.

Carefully going through the paperwork on his desk, preparing for court later that day, he was interrupted by the ping of his phone. It was his friend’s groupchat.

_Dinner tonight?_ – Haechan

 _In! ­­–_ Jisung

 _Same. I finish work at 7pm. So 7:30?_ – Chenle

 _Good for me – usual place?_ – Jisung

 _I’ll be there! Jaem you wanna go together?_ – Renjun

Jaemin checked the messages, hesitating. He loved his friends, they had been inseparable since middle school. But he couldn’t pretend that there wasn’t a wall between them – a wall he had put up. It had taken him _years_ to be a semblance of himself between his friends again, to accept their hugs and affection. They didn’t understand why. They didn’t understand why Jaemin had lost some of his light, his energy, and why he kept everyone in his life at arm’s length.

He had never told them. And he probably never will.

But they tried to understand, they tried to love him. Even if he made it hard.

_Sure._ He replied to the chat.

The preliminary hearing for his new case concluded and Jaemin was on his way back to the office to pick up Renjun. When he arrived, Renjun was already waiting outside, waving with a pretty smile as he saw the royal blue Mercedes pull up.

“Hey Nana!” his friend greeted, getting in the car. He was relieved to speak to Jaemin casually again. They had to maintain a certain level of formality in the office, and sometimes it was suffocating.

“Hey Jun, good day?” Jaemin asked as he pulled out, Renjun’s roses-and-cotton-candy scent filled the car.

“Ugh, this merger is going to kill me. I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling.” He said, the beta looking sympathetically at Jaemin.

“It’s…tiring.” Jaemin said, smiling back. He hesitated for a second, he wanted to be more transparent with his friend, “It’s not easy working with so many alphas. Especially after the meeting the other day.”

“Yeah! That was awful! I hope that Hanbin dude gets fired.”

“Pretty sure he did.”

“Good! Jerk.” The small beta huffed, pouting in disgust, “How are you feeling by the way? Are you okay after that?”

“No worries, I wasn’t affected or anything.”

Renjun frowned at Jaemin in doubt. He knew Jaemin had difficulties, that he struggled sometimes. That he had secrets. He just wished his friend would let him in and not go through life alone.

In the driver’s seat, Jaemin’s thoughts were much the same as Renjun’s. He too wished he could be more open, honest and vulnerable. But he had just put himself back together again with painstaking effort, and opening up would undo all he had done.

“I think the others are already here.” Renjun observed as they pulled up outside the restaurant, spotting familiar cars.

They entered the restaurant, immediately scooped up in hugs. Even though their group chat blew up almost every day, they hadn’t been together for weeks. Too busy with work and life.

Haechan flung his arms around Jaemin’s neck, hugging him tightly. Jaemin reciprocated, welcoming the warm embrace and scent of honeyed spring. Arm in arm, they headed to the table where is other friends were gathered.

They caught up on life, sharing jokes and updates.

“Wait, wait, wait, you’re telling me, Lee Jeno is going to be your next business partner?” Haechan asked, mouth full of chicken, beer in hand.

“Yeah, I’m not really sure how I feel about that yet. I hope it works out” Jaemin said, drinking deeply from his own draught. “Do you know him?”

“Duh! He’s a legend. and _so fucking hot._ Goddamn” Haechan was an alpha and a prosecutor, a damn good one. So naturally he knew all of the lawyers in any prominent legal circles. Haechan and Jisung were also the only alphas Jaemin could tolerate so close to him.

“Maybe you should shoot your shot with him.” Haechan said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, “He can be your next heat partner.” He jested.

“Haechan!” Renjun scolded, slapping his shoulder.

“I’ll think about it.” Jaemin laughed, his mask intact. 

He hadn’t had a heat in 5 years.

“So anyway, Jisung how’re things at the hospital?” Jaemin turned to the youngest of their group, an alpha in the second year of his residency.

“I think my soul has left my body. I feel like I died months ago and am now just an animated corpse.” Jisung muttered darkly, looking into his beer as if it held all the answers.

“It’ll be over soon. Then you’ll officially be _Doctor_ Park.” Chenle said, rubbing Jisungs’ back in comfort.

“Easy for you to say. You already did your residency.” He pouted at Chenle.

“Psych rotations are different from yours though. But to be honest dude my residency _ripped_. Best years of my life.” Chenle grinned, he was in his first year of practicing psychiatry and he loved every second of it.

“Ooh that reminds me of a new case we just got. Listen to this…” Haechan explained in detail about a serial killer they were in the process of prosecuting. With dramatic flair that only the honey skinned alpha was capable of, he retold the gruesome details of the crimes.

Their evening was filled with laughter and more beer as the friends unwound, catching up. Jaemin was happy, genuinely smiling in their company, eyes soft. The hour late, they decided to Uber home together, none of them in any condition to drive.

The last to be dropped off by the driver, Jaemin wandered, smiling, to his front door. He had fun. They could make him forget. And they made it easy for him to relax a bit.

Jaemin ground to a halt as he took stock of a figure leaning against the jamb of his front door. The angry scent of burnt rubber flitting through the air.

Hanbin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can this dick just leave Nana alone :<
> 
> What do you think will happen next? Will Jeno come to Nana's rescue? Please share your predictions and feedback :3
> 
> P.S stay tuned for some Markhyuck very soon ;)
> 
> P.P.S this fic and all of it's chapters are named after difficult to describe emotions. You can look it up in The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows <3


	9. Lutalica

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: violence

Jaemin scowled at the alpha, wondering why he was there. Again. Was he stalking him? The very idea invoked Jaemin with ungodly fury. The fact that alphas always did whatever they wanted, and always _getting away_ with it. No thought for any consequences.

Jaemin strode over, anger evident in his steps. He might be an omega, but he was _not_ a pushover and he was tired of alphas and their toxic superiority. Hanbin needed to be dealt with for good. And maybe Jaemin needed an outlet too, after the last few weeks. Hanbin watching him come closer with predatory eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Jaemin demanded, staring him down. How did he even know where he lived?

Hanbin snarled, “You got me fired” the alpha looked worn down and unkept, the sharp stink of anger making Jaemin scrunch his nose in disgust.

“No, _you_ got you fired.” Jaemin snarled. “Now fuck off.” He made to go around Hanbin to enter his home, he really couldn’t stand alphas. Hanbin stepped in front of him, blocking his way.

Grabbing Jaemin by his collar, he shook him violently.

“Who the fuck do you think you are??” he gritted, Jaemin dropped his briefcase and jacket, trying to push Hanbin off him, “So arrogant, for someone who has to fuck their way through life. I'll make you regret ever crossing me.”

The look in his eyes made Jaemin's insides curl up in disgust.

“Get off me, asshole” with a hard shove, Jaemin pushed Hanbin off.

“You bitch.” Hanbin spat, “How _dare you disrespect an alpha?”_ His alpha voice reverberated around them, “ _Apologize.”_ His alpha demanded, attempting to _force_ Jaemin to back down. To apologize, submit.

“Fuck you.” Jaemin spat instead.

“ _I said apologize!!”_

“And I said, fuck you!” Jaemin slugged the alpha in the face. Knuckles connecting painfully with the alpha’s jaw. Hanbin’s head whipped to the side. He crashed into the front door, lights out.

Jaemin shook his hand, knuckles bruised and painful. He huffed in fury, before digging out his phone.

He called Jeno.

When Jeno got the call from Jaemin, asking him to suddenly come over, he had rushed out of his house in sweats and a tee, thinking Jaemin was sick again. But what he found when he arrived stunned him.

Jaemin stood casually outside his home, tie off, sleeves rolled up, collar open, smoking a cigarette.

“Sorry for making you come all the way out here.” He said, voice flat, eyes distant. 

“Is everything okay?” Jeno asked, not coming too close.

“You’re friend over there needs to go home” Jaemin gestured over his shoulder.

“Wha-? _Hanbin?”_ Jeno was shocked seeing his old colleague passed out on the ground, a nice thick purple bruise developing around his eye.

“Did you-?” Jeno asked Jaemin, speechless.

“He was hanging around outside my house like a stalker. He picked a fight and said some pretty nasty things.” Jaemin shrugged, a grey cloud curling seductively around him.

“So you _punched_ him?” Jeno asked

“He came at me first.”

“I get that, but you didn’t have to _fight_ him.” Jeno crossed his arms over his chest, frowning at Jaemin. What had gotten into him? He didn’t seem like the violent type. Omegas were passive by nature, but Jeno knew by now that Jaemin was anything but typical.

Jaemin flicked his cigarette away before stepping close to Jeno, toe to toe. He was so close Jeno could see the most beautiful purple flecks in the depths of his eyes.

“Tell me _alpha_ ” Jaemin said in a low voice, remnants of his anger still swirling in him, “If you were an omega, alone at night, and a pissed off alpha was outside your house, waiting for you. You would be _civil?_ ”

“Jaemin, I underst –“

“Your kind could never” Jaemin was pissed off all over again, “Living your life like a piece of meat forced to submit, to serve. To be used and tossed aside and be expected to just be _okay_ with it? To be _so honoured_ that a high and mighty alpha pays attention to you?”

Jaemin’s eyes flashed at Jeno, his brow furrowed in upset, “You have no idea. So don’t you dare judge me.”

Jeno was speechless, his brain not quite getting what Jaemin had said.

Jaemin scoffed at Jeno’s silence, “Your kind really are the worst.” He stepped away from Jeno, furious eyes still on him.

“I’ll uh… sort this out.” Jeno said after a moment, stepping around Jaemin to pick up an unconscious Hanbin. Jeno’s cab was still waiting for him, and after unceremoniously dumping Hanbin in the back seat, he returned to a watching Jaemin.

“You’re alright though?” Jeno asked hesitantly, wary of Jaemin’s temper. The Jaemin that now stood so tall and resolute before him, was very different from the shaking omega he was with in the hospital just the previous day.

Jaemin just scoffed, he turned away from Jeno had headed inside.

Hours later, Jeno collapsed in his bed. It was already nearing dawn when he finally got home. He had dropped Hanbin off at the nearest police station and opened a docket. Jeno didn’t know how Jaemin would react but he thought it best they press charges, get a restraining order. Hanbin hadn’t taken his dismissal very well and Jeno was afraid of what he might do next.

In spite of being beyond exhausted, sleep eluded him, Jaemin’s words replaying itself in his head, over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nana a lil baddie >:)
> 
> How do you think Nomin will make up? Will they talk? Who's making the first move? Let me know what you predict! <3
> 
> Our precious Jenito is starting to understand Nana more, and of course thinking about his own alpha-ness. 
> 
> Some resolutions and juicy things coming in the next few chapters! Stay tuned for some Markhyuck very soon ;)


	10. Liberosis

Feeling like death, worried, tired, Jeno’s day dragged by. He had been in and out of court and meetings the whole day, but his mind wasn’t on his work. It was with Jaemin. Still. Regret burned in his gut at what he had said to him. Everything that had happened the last three days spinning in his head like a washing machine full of vomit.

Sometime during the course of his sleepless night, he tried to think, to understand. And he hoped that what he had come up with in the morning hours was wrong. But the more he thought about what he knows about the omega, what he had seen, he thought his suspicions might be right. He felt sick.

The day’s work done, Jeno finally decided to pick up the phone and call Jaemin’s office. For some reason he felt anxious. Never in his entire life had he been nervous because of an omega. But somehow his alpha didn’t care, it just wanted to make up with Jaemin, its first instinct to be close to him. Jeno had never experienced it before, his alpha being _soft_ for an omega, the feeling was… odd.

“ _Hello?”_

“Hi Jaemin, it’s me”

Silence.

“Listen, I think we should talk.”

Nothing.

“I uh…also still have your phone. So.” Jeno felt so awkward, not knowing what to say or do to make things better.

“ _I’ll pick you up for coffee in an hour.”_

Click.

Jeno’s relief was short-lived as he thought about meeting Jaemin again.

An hour later, he was waiting outside his office, employees getting off work milling about, some waving at him. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, uneasy.

Unsettled with how unsettled he was.

When it came to being an alpha, he was quite typical. Tall, strong, confident, decisive. Authoritative. Comfortable in his position as a man and an alpha. Even when it came to partners, whether it be for ruts or heats, he thought of himself as normal, following his instincts, fulfilling urges. But after meeting Jaemin, he felt like he was having an identity crisis. Through the course of the night he obsessed over all the relationships he had been in, all the partners he had in the past. As an alpha, promiscuity wasn’t really part of the conversation, alphas just naturally got around. But now it felt much less normal to him. Was there ever a time where a partner of his didn’t want something or didn’t like something, but they just never felt they could speak up? Had he ever been as condescending and demanding as Hanbin had been? Prejudiced without knowing?

The thought made him nauseas.

A car honked, drawing Jeno’s attention. It was Jaemin. Handsome and chic as ever behind the wheel of his royal blue Mercedes.

Jeno braced himself and got in.

Jaemin was acutely aware of Jeno staring at him as he drove, his apple-spice filling the car. In some strange way, the smell was so familiar by now that it was comforting. Jaemin bit his lip, not knowing what to say. He felt bad for how he had treated Jeno the previous night, he might be an alpha but he wasn’t the one responsible for what had happened. And Jaemin just took it out on him. He had been unfair, even if Jeno’s words had stung.

“Listen Jeno” Jaemin began, eyes on the road, “I’m sorry for what I said.” Just like Jeno, Jaemin hadn’t gotten any sleep the previous night. The poison that had spilled out of his mouth, making regret and guilt churn in his gut. Even though those words were his true feelings about alphas in general, it was wrong to blame Jeno. To lash out.

“Jaemin no, I’m sorry. I was harsh, not thinking about how you must have felt. I know you said that I don’t understand. And you’re right, I don’t.” Jeno hesitated, not knowing if he should continue, “But I really want to.” _God why am I so nervous?_ Talking to omegas, flirting, resolving something, wasn’t supposed to be difficult for an alpha. But he had pulled the world out from under him and the only thing that the man and the beast wanted was _Jaemin._ The partnership and the merger the furthest thing from his mind.

 _I’m going insane._ That’s the only explanation, he had lost his goddamn mind.

Silence fell between them again, more unsaid things still hanging in the air. Then Jeno noticed the shadows under Jaemin’s eyes, the way his hands gripped the wheel. He might be so untouchably flawless on the outside, but something was going on beneath the surface.

“Coffee first.” Jaemin said, a small smile directed at Jeno, the harsh edge of temper from the previous night was gone.

Soon they were sitting at a coffee shop, drinks in front of them. Jeno having tea, Jaemin with his death drink coffee.

Neither knew what to say, how to begin. Technically they were both still strangers to the other, but somehow had seen and shared things that their closest friends would never even catch a glimpse of.

His alpha desperate to reach the omega, the man wanting … _something else._ Jeno vocalized the thoughts that had been swirling in his head.

“Jaemin, I know we haven’t known each other for long,” he met Jaemin’s eyes, the softness he could suddenly see there surprising him, “and I know there are things that you can never say, but you don’t have to pretend with me.”

He was either brave or stupid risking the welfare of his fingers, but as he spoke he slowly reached for Jeamin’s hand that rested on top of the table. Gingerly, he took it in his own, wrapping his palm around the beautiful, slender fingers. He expected Jaemin to pull away, to be angry. But he didn’t, he just looked at Jeno with big, brown eyes. The warmth that Jeno longed to see, leaking through.

Jaemin was taken aback by the touch of Jeno’s hand. He wanted to pull away, that voice in his head screaming to run, to not allow an alpha to touch him. But another part of him, welcomed the comfort. Some small sliver of his heart reached for Jeno. Desperate to be free.

“I wanted to be a prosecutor.” Jaemin said, smiling softly at the nostalgia. Memories of him and Hyuck as kids dreaming about their futures warming his heart. But omegas weren’t allowed to be prosecutors, they were too ‘emotional’ and easily swayed. “The day I presented I thought the world was going to end.” His smile became sad, as he looked down at Jeno’s hand holding his.

“You stuck with law anyway though” Jeno observed, he had an immense amount of respect for Jaemin as a professional. What he had accomplished and what he did on the daily wasn’t easy.

Jaemin nodded, “I couldn’t even imagine doing anything else.”

Jeno thought back on his own experience, how difficult law school had been for him, even as an alpha surrounded by alphas. It was ridiculously demanding and competitive.

“God I admire you for surviving law school.” Jeno remarked, smiling. He wanted to lift the mood, evoke a real smile from Jaemin. Maybe they could reminisce about some crazy college experiences, and just maybe Jeno could get another peek into Jaemin’s heart.

“Not all of me did.” He replied quietly, eyes looking out of the window, staring at things that weren’t visible.

“Jaem” Jeno began. Jaemin looked back at him, eyes tender at the unexpected nickname. Some of his cold edge, rigid control had slipped. Jeno had never seen him look so vulnerable, the real him showing through the cracks. Jeno thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. His alpha was practically whining at the sight.

“About those pills you were taking,” he continued, unsure of how to broach the subject, “You don’t have to explain, but you can lean on me. Just… don’t hurt yourself.”

Jaemin looked at the alpha, soft brown hair falling over pretty crescent eyes as the comfort of spicy apples surrounded them. In many ways Jeno was a normal alpha, tall, strong, confident, intimidating and _very_ attractive. Sexy. But in many ways he was not like any other alpha Jaemin had ever met. There was kindness and softness in him. Understanding. He had been incredibly patient with Jaemin, not pushing him. Even if he had said some hurtful things the previous night, he was someone Jaemin didn’t have to be wary of. And that was a rarity.

“Anyway,” Jeno continued, changing subjects as Jaemin remained quiet, “I had Hanbin locked up last night. I think you should press charges, or at least get a restraining order.”

Jaemin thought for a second. On the one hand Hanbin had to be punished for how he treated Jaemin. On the other hand Jaemin didn’t want to admit how much Hanbin had affected him.

“Yeah, I think I should.” Jaemin nodded, a small smile on his pretty face. Not so much concerned about himself, he thought Hanbin might hurt someone else which was the only reason he decided to take this official step.

“The station is close. We can go now if you want.” Jeno offered, gently rubbing a thumb over Jaemin’s bruised knuckles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are actually so cute omg :,)   
> last bit of fluff before some things are going to blow up >:) 
> 
> What will happen next? Can Nomin finally sort themselves out? Let me know what you predict!


	11. Wytai

“He’s been released” the officer drawled, not looking up from his phone.

“What?” Jeno frowned at the listless person behind his desk, “You were supposed to hold him for 24 hours.”

“Beats me” the officer shrugged, still not looking at the pair.

“Where’s the docket I filed last night? The case number?” Jeno demanded, suddenly furious. What was going on? How did Hanbin just walk out of the station? Not even following proper protocol?

“There is no docket” the officer continued, still playing on his phone, voice bored.

Jaemin looked at Jeno, his spicy scent sharp, thick. His eyes flashed red, the muscles of his jaw working as he gritted his teeth. If Jaemin didn’t know how tender Jeno could be, he would have been afraid just then as the strength of his alpha made itself known.

Suddenly the officer started and dropped his phone, his nose catching the scent of a pissed off alpha. The pressure of his authority thick and heavy.

“Listen, man. Some fancy suit came in, bailed him out and the case number was deleted.” The officer held his hands up as if to show his innocence, “That’s all I know.”

Jeno growled at him, eyes flashing brighter red, irked by the officer’s incompetence. His anger was further driven by worry for Jaemin. Hanbin had already threatened him three times, Jeno didn’t know what he could do next. Without a docket and a case number, they couldn’t get a restraining order, or press any charges.

“Jen.” Jaemin’s voice spoke softly, “It’s okay, let’s go” he reached for Jeno’s arm and gently pulled him from the station. How natural it had suddenly become to touch him so casually. The thought of doing so with anyone else, still made Jaemin’s skin crawl. But the feel of Jeno’s warmth, his scent, had quickly become an anchor for him. A balm for his anxiety. Now that Jeno had seen through his cracks, caught a glimpse of his raw insides, and still stayed by Jaemin’s side, a ray of light had started to kindle in him. A small spark that helped to drown out some of his shame.

“Jaemin, I’m so sorry. I-“

“It’s okay” Jaemin said, voice soft and low, “I’ll be okay.” He smiled at Jeno softly, soothing the alpha’s anger. In that moment, Jaemin didn’t have the words to express how much it meant to him that Jeno was upset on his behalf. His pride told him that it was unnecessary, he could take care of himself, he didn’t need _anyone_ to stand up for him. But that small, broken part of him that still had hope, that wanted to heal, had melted because of Jeno’s sincerity.

Jeno’s anger melted away under Jaemin’s soft chocolate gaze. His alpha lying down and flopping over in pleasure having caught the omega’s attention. _What is happening to me?_ Maybe Jaemin had somehow bewitched him.

“I know but-“

Jeno was interrupted when his phone rang. He frowned down at the screen, it was Na Joongki.

“It’s your dad” he said holding the phone up to show Jaemin the caller ID.

Jaemin shrugged, “Answer it”

“Hello?”

“ _Jeno! How have you been?”_

“Afternoon, sir. Well and yourself?”

_“Good, good. Listen how’re things with the merger? And Jaemin? We haven’t heard from him in days”_

“Uh… we’ve been really busy actually, the planning has been going well.”

_“That’s good to hear. Listen why don’t the two of you come over for dinner? I would like to see your progress.”_

Jeno looked over at Jaemin, he had overheard the conversation. Jaemin nodded slowly, hesitating. This was not a good idea – but how could he turn them down without having to explain himself?

“Sure, we’ll be there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who came to get Hanbin?? Is there something more sinister in the works?  
> And Dinner with Nana's parents??
> 
> Please share your predictions :)
> 
> Big things coming in the next few chapters!!


	12. Opia

Sitting on his bed, Jaemin fidgeted with his hands as he waited. He had dropped Jeno off and headed home to shower and dress for dinner. Jeno would pick him up in about 30 minutes again.

For the nth time he looked at the orange bottle of pills on his bedside table. He should be taking another dose by now, he didn’t have any since that morning and his scent could surface any minute. But he kept thinking about Jeno’s face, his voice, as he asked Jaemin to stop taking them. He was fully aware how dangerous they were, in his mind he could logically think about its effects, the fact that he could die soon. But in his heart, he just _couldn’t_. The idea of his scent hanging around him, to be smelled by everyone, invoked such a crippling fear within him it turned his insides rancid.

Rubbing his suddenly sweaty palms on his jean clad legs, he decided to wait outside, maybe if he got out of the house he would be less tempted to swallow the pills. Maybe just for tonight he could try. He was safe with his parents and Jeno, in their home he should be okay.

As Jaemin heard a car approach, he quickly schooled his expression. He may be somewhat comfortable with Jeno now, but not to an extent that he was going to allow himself to be a blubbering mess in the alpha’s presence. Jeno pulled up in a sleek, powder-blue Porsche. The pretty colour somehow suited the alpha.

“Hey” Jaemin said softly, slipping into the low car, immediately enveloped by the alphas familiar scent.

Jeno didn’t speak, he couldn’t. Jaemin looked incredible. His pitch black hair that was usually styled back, now fell softly over his brow. His longs legs were wrapped in skinny jeans paired with dress shoes and a black silk shirt.

“What?”

“You look… amazing.” Jeno said, finally finding his voice.

“Uh… thanks.” Jaemin didn’t know what to do with the compliment, “You too” he said softly. It was true. Jeno wore a soft blush coloured button-up with black slacks. The muscles in his arms tensing against the material as he drove.

Jaemin quickly looked away, cheeks heating.

The rest of the car ride was quiet, but comfortable. Both alpha and omega lost in their own thoughts about the other.

_They don’t know him at all,_ Jeno thought as he listened to Jaemin’s mother speak.

“I’m not sure why but you’re always so rude to the alphas I introduce you to. At this rate you’ll end up alone and childless.”

From the corner of his eye he watched Jaemin. He was looking down at his food, calmly cutting his steak, not saying a word, cold and unflinching. Jaemin’s mother was a beautiful woman, the same big eyes and sparkling smile as her son. But she was very much a typical omega. She had married Joongki straight out of high school, had Jaemin and taken care of the household. Being a good mate and a good mom her only concern. And her biggest concern at the moment was that Jaemin was still single, and if she failed to find a partner for him then she had failed as his mother.

“You’re almost 25 Jaemin, you should think about your fertility” she remarked, brow frowned in concern. Even though this was a typical conversation in any household with an omega, Mrs Na held nothing back even if Jeno was sitting right there.

“Hyolyn leave the boy alone, he’ll catch the attention of a nice alpha soon enough” Joongki said, patting his wife’s hand.

“So Jeno, tell me. How has the merger been going?” The alpha asked.

Jeno updated Joongki on the progress he and Jaemin had made. As much as Jeno tried to include Jaemin in the conversation, Joongki only directed his questions at Jeno, seemingly unconcerned with how much Jaemin had contributed. Jeno frowned in annoyance.

Jeno looked up at the scrape of a chair, “Excuse me” Jaemin said coolly, leaving the table.

Silence fell as Jaemin left

“Jeno dear, don’t mind him. He’s always been a bit dramatic” Hyolyn said, smiling apologetically at him. He wanted to shake her.

“I’ll go check on him.” Jeno said after a moment and excused himself from the table too. Wandering through the massive, modern home designed with open spaces and a lot of glass, he looked for him.

Somewhere on the second floor, Jeno found Jaemin sitting on a bed in one of the rooms. He seemed to be looking through some pictures, expressionless. He knocked on the door jamb to announce his presence. Jaemin didn’t have to look up to know it was Jeno, he had caught his scent already.

Sitting next to Jaemin, he looked around the room and frowned.

“Was this your room?” the room was warm, and soft. White wooden furniture, pastel bedding and curtains with fairy lights twisted round the railing. Pictures were plastered on the walls and there was at least one plushy on every flat surface. The personality revealed by the room wasn’t even in the same orbit as the Jaemin that sat next to him now.

“Hmm” Jaemin affirmed, “I moved out somewhere in my second year of law school. Mom doesn’t come up here, so it stayed pretty much the same.”

Jeno looked at the pictures on the walls. Photographs of the same three people with Jaemin, here and there with some others. Soccer games, parties, vacations, graduations, in all of them Jaemin had the most beautiful smile on his face, arms slung around people he obviously adored. Laughing into the camera, eyes filled with stars.

“Are you okay?” Jeno asked, looking over at Jaemin

“I’m used to it.”

“They mean well” Jeno tried to comfort him, he was sure that they loved him in their own way, even if they were so misguided.

Jaemin just sighed, not looking at Jeno. He didn’t know his parents like Jaemin did.

“Don’t you think you should tell them?” Maybe they would go easier on him if they knew more about him.

Jaemin looked at him then, frowning. “Tell them what exactly?” he appreciated Jeno’s support and kindness, his strength. But the understanding they had reached that afternoon was still too fragile - Jaemin wasn’t just going to let his guard down and spill his guts, it was neither possible nor did he want to

“You know…” Jeno tried to explain himself. Jaemin’s frown deepened. “I really think it will help you if you talk to someone.”

His heart dropped as Jaemin saw it. The pity. Jeno felt sorry for him. Jaemin’s deepest fear realized just then: being pitied. Being seen as broken, damaged. Less than. And now he could see it in the beautiful eyes he had come to know so well.

Jaemin felt something in his heart die.

“Oh really?” He bit back sarcastically, trying to mask his hurt with venom. “You know it _never_ occurred to me to talk to someone. Please tell me more _almighty_ alpha, how are you going to fix me.” Sharp eyes fixing on Jeno.

Jeno blinked, taken aback.

“Jaem, that’s not what I meant” he said slowly, trying to calm the omega. It had the opposite effect.

“Then what _did_ you mean?” Jaemin snapped. Eyes flashing with temper.

“Jaem, I’m just trying to help.” He said, reaching for his hand again. Jaemin pulled back instantly.

“I never asked for your help Jeno.” Jaemin scoffed, getting up, tossing down the pictures he held. Fuck this conversation. He couldn’t do this. He headed for the door.

Jeno jumped to his feet too, grabbed Jaemin’s wrist to try and stop him.

“Jaemin, calm down. You’re overreacting” Jeno struggled to understand what was happening. He was just trying to be helpful, to understand like he said he would. How did they get here?

Jaemin stared at Jeno. His eyes flashing violet.

“ _Excuse me?” I think the fuck not_.

“Just relax okay? You don’t have to push me away.” Couldn’t Jaemin see he was trying to help? “Just let me be there for you”

Jaemin ripped his arm from Jeno’s hand. Rage twisting painfully in his chest. He felt nauseas. Heartache like bile in his throat. Shame coloured his mind black. Shame at his own stupidity. He should have known better. He should have known an alpha would never be on his side.

He stepped toward the alpha, his hurt had curdled into beastly anger. He was furious. At Jeno, and at himself for being foolish.

“Or what?” He pushed Jeno. Hard. The alpha stumbled back, surprised at the sudden force.

“Jaem-“

“So what if I push you away?” Push.

He pushed Jeno into the wall with a dull thud.

Jeno grabbed Jaemin’s wrists, stopping him from pushing him again.

“Don’t think you know _anything_ about my life.”

“Jaemin don’t you want to get better? Don’t you want to go on with your life?” Jeno demanded. Frustrated with Jeamin’s stubbornness. Why was he lashing out? It didn’t make any sense.

“ _What did you say?”_ Jaemin demanded angrily, not sure he had heard correctly.

“I mean, you fight with everyone who wants to help you, you drink those pills, you don’t want to talk about it. It’s almost like-“

“Like _what?_ ” He spat “Like I enjoy not being able to sleep? Like it’s so fun to be tortured by your past to the point you want to dig out your brain? Having your memories make you want to vomit?” He ripped his arms from Jeno’s grip, breathing heavy.

“I know-“

“No! You don’t get it Jeno!” Jaemin yelled, his violet eyes pleading, hurt, angry. Voice desperate.

 _Get out, get out, get out, get out,_ his anxiety started muttering. Afraid at what Jeno might say next.

“If you can just-“

“Just _what_ Jeno??”

“Maybe if you talk to someone you can get over it!”

Jaemin stared. His anger suddenly evaporated. Any fight he had left drained out of his body, leaving only a shredded heart in its wake.

Jaemin stepped back, feeling weak and unsteady. Frigid waterfalls of pain crashing over him.

“Jaem-“ Jeno reached for Jaemin to steady him.

“Don’t…just don’t.” Jaemin left, stumbling out of the room, feeling like he’d been shot, Jeno’s words the bullets.

Jaemin sat in a cab on the way home. He had left without saying goodbye to anyone, he needed to get out of there. He so desperately wanted to cry, break down. Instead he locked up everything he was feeling. A layer of false calm and ice settling over him. Numbness, shutting down was the only way he knew how to survive.

 _You’re so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid._ He should have known that showing himself to anyone, sharing anything was a mistake. Regretting his own idiocy, he shoved down and crushed any spark of trust and affection he had kindled for Jeno. He was a fool for ever thinking Jeno cared about him, that he could understand him.

Suddenly, flashing red and blue lights caught his attention.

“What’s going on?” he asked the driver.

“Seems to be a fire up ahead”

Jaemin peered out of the window to see what was happening. The blood drained out of his face as he saw something toward the end of the street.

“Hey!” The driver called as Jaemin jumped out and sprinted down the road.

His house was on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be mad at Jenito, he's just being really stupid :,)   
> Do you think they can make up? Will Jaemin forgive Jeno for being such a colossal ass?
> 
> Also, NANA'S HOUSE???
> 
> What do you think is going to happen after this rollercoaster chapter??
> 
> P.S. Jaemin and Jeno's fight was based on a fight I had with my brother once :( It was really hard for him to understand me or how I was trying to process my own grief and trauma. But I realised it wasn't my fault and it wasn't my responsibility either to make him understand - I don't owe anyone an explanation :) and for anyone who ever felt like this too, your story is your story and you never have to tell it if you don't want to, or justify yourself to anyone <3
> 
> P.P.S. Don't be like Jeno :)


	13. Agnosthesia

For hours, Jaemin just stood there. Staring at the bustling around him. Firemen, police all rushing about trying to put out the fire before it spread. Eventually they succeeded. There was nothing left. The home he had lived in for 5 years was gone. He didn’t feel anything. It had been a nice place to sleep, but it was never really home. He hadn’t decorated or personalised it in any way, he didn’t have any personal items lying around. Nothing of value had been lost. Except maybe for his pills. But Jaemin wasn’t thinking about that just then – his mind and heart empty, numb.

He talked to an officer, giving his side of the story. Which wasn’t much at all. They didn’t know what caused the fire, it appeared to be just an accident. Jaemin nodded, not really hearing what the officer had said.

The scene was cleared and cleaned, everyone left. Jaemin stood there still, the cold wind of dawn tousling his hair. The remains of his home still smouldering.

 _I need to get to work_ , the first thought that slowly crawled into his brain. Hesitating, he pulled out his phone.

“Hey Hyuck”

 _“Nana?”_ his voice was husky with sleep, _“What’s up? It’s like 4am”_

“I uh… can I crash at your place for a few days?”

_“Uh.. yeah, yeah sure. Everything okay?”_

“I’ll tell you when I see you. I’ll be there soon”

 _“Okay Nana, see you in a bit.”_ He hesitated, _“Be safe okay?”_

So Jaemin showed up at Hyuck’s house with only his phone and the clothes on his back.

“ _What??”_ Hyuck gasped, his hair tousled from sleep, in the middle of making Jaemin some coffee.

“Yeah, it’s all gone. So.” Jaemin shrugged, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“But-but. I mean… wow. That suck balls man. I’m so sorry. You’re okay though right?”

Jaemin nodded, “Yeah I wasn’t at home”

“Yeah, but all your stuff though. Like I’d be devastated if this place burns down, as shitty as it is, like lots of good memories and stuff, you know.”

Hyuck’s place was small and outdated, prosecutors got paid a fraction of what lawyers in the private sector did. But Jaemin actually preferred it over his now destroyed house. It was lived in, felt like an actual home. Yellow sunlight creeping in through the windows, the smell of honey-spring in the air.

Jaemin shrugged, “It’s whatever.”

Hyuck frowned at him, it wasn’t supposed to be _whatever_.

“So what are you going to do?” Hyuck asked, handing Jaemin his coffee.

“I have court later today which I can’t miss. So I’ll have to go get some clothes first and then I’ll talk to the insurance company sometime today too.”

“You can borrow some of my suits if you want.” Hyuck suggested, sipping from his own cup, “They’re unfortunately not as boujee as the shit you usually wear” he teased.

“Thanks Hyuck, but I can’t ask any more of you.” _I can’t wear something that smells like someone else._

“You sure?”

He nodded, “Oh yeah, I should probably get a new car too.”

Hyuck choked on his coffee, “Your car??”

“Yeah it was parked in the garage, it didn’t make it”

“Jaemin, what the fuck”

“This concludes the preliminary hearing, the court will gather again in 2 weeks.” The judge banged his gavel.

Jaemin sighed, pinching his brow. This was a disaster. A nasty divorce now followed by an even nastier custody battle.

“Mr. Na I’m sorry- I – I didn’t think… I” the father was visibly upset

“When you hired me, I asked you for one thing and one thing only. Do you remember?” His voice flat, emotionless.

“H-honesty”

“Correct. So tell me Mr Park, how is it that your ex-wife’s council knew about your secret gambling debt before I did?”

“I-I didn’t think it was important.” His eyes were filled with tears, desperate. “Mr. Na, please.” He begged, clutching his hands together. “I know I’m a good dad, please. My girls can’t live with her” a tear rolled down his cheek. Jaemin felt for the man, he was an omega with an alpha female partner. A very rare, odd combination. Their marriage had been abusive and toxic, and now with two girls between them they had to duke it out it court.

“I will do my best” Jaemin said, trying his best to comfort the man. His anxiety stinging Jaemin’s nose. “But you absolutely cannot hide anything from me”

The man nodded eagerly, “I promise”

“Good. I’ll call you soon then we can get ready for the next hearing.” Jaemin bowed and left, exhaustion settling into his bones. Being awake for more than 24 hours straight wasn’t new to him, but it was never a fun experience.

Outside of the courthouse, he grabbed a cab and headed back to Hyuck’s, his day luckily done. On his way there, he tried getting hold of his supplier again. Nothing. Jaemin gripped his phone and clenched his jaw. He needed his medication. Like now. He could _feel_ it. His omega-ness returning. He had practically bathed in scent-blockers before going to work. His scent and heats would be back in full force soon, and Jaemin had no idea how he was going to survive.

“Jeno?”

“Hmm?” he was pulled out of his thoughts by Mark waving a hand in front of his face.

“Yo man where did you go?”

“Sorry, just…tired” He sighed, looking at the contracts in front of him, “It’s nothing” he said as Mark frowned at him.

“You’ve been really distracted this week.”

“Yeah, I know.” He rubbed his hands over his face, frustrated.

“Something wrong?”

_Jaemin hasn’t answered my calls or texts for a week. I feel like shit, I fucked up. I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him._

“No, not really.” He said instead.

“Okay” Mark replied, disbelieving. “Anyways man, I have to go. Got a hot date tonight” he slapped Jeno’s shoulder in greeting and left.

Jaemin nearly crashed his new car. Vision blurry, sweat dripping into his eyes. His body was on fire. Skin hypersensitive. He had felt out of sorts the last few days, he had thought it was because he had been in Hyuck’s place for more than a week. Feeling unsettled, not sleeping well. But today it finally hit him like a shotgun to the chest. After more than a week without his medication his first heat in 5 years consumed him like a typhoon.

Driven by panic, his fear nearly crippling him, choking in his own scent, he was racing home.

Like a drunkard he stumbled down the hall, gripping the walls to keep him steady, his bones melting. His vision was blurry, the world teetering. _Almost there. Almost there. Just a little bit further_. He’ll lock himself in Hyuck’s spare room and just die in peace. He really did feel like he was dying. Jaemin had completely forgotten how hard his heats had been. Ripping him apart, liquefying his insides. And the _desires_ – the thoughts and the lusts he hated so clawing through his brain.

Nearing the apartment, he caught sight of two people by the door. Hyuck was with someone. _Is that Mark?_ He couldn’t tell, his eyes wouldn’t focus.

“Jaemin?” a voice called. He couldn’t respond “Jaemin?!”

Luckily the floors were carpeted, catching his burning body as consciousness left him.

_He’s so fucking hot,_ was Hyuck’s first thought as he opened the door to greet Mark.

“Are you ready?” He asked with a shy smile, his sweet watermelon-daiquiri scent greeting Hyuck.

“Yeah, let’s-“ he was interrupted by a sudden scent that wafted down the hall. _Is that Jaemin?_ He recognized the smell, something he hadn’t encountered in a long time. He had forgotten how enticingly toxic it was.

“What is _that?”_ Mark asked, pinching his nose. His eyes flashed red as his alpha drooled at the unknown scent. Like a drug. In unison they looked down the hall, hearing staggered footsteps.

“Is that-?”

“Jaemin?” Hyuck called as he saw his friend stumble and fall, “Jaemin?!”. The two alphas rushed over to where Jaemin now lay motionless. He had dropped like a stone.

Hyuck reached for him, his heartbeat racing, alpha salivating.

“Oh my God, I think he’s in heat” Mark remarked, hand over his mouth and nose. He was shaking. Nothing had ever upset his alpha to this degree

“We need to get him inside.” Hyuck said, urgency evident. At this rate every alpha in the building would come looking.

Moments later, they tossed Jaemin on the bed in the spareroom, and shut the door in haste. Both alphas huffing, eyes glowing red, they stared at each other.

“Has he…” Mark struggled to catch his breath, “Has it always been this bad? I mean, I’ve never…”

“Yeah,” Hyuck replied, breathing heavily, “I forgot…” he wiped sweat from his brow, “I forgot what it was like.” Hyuck had forgotten how Jaemin’s heats had literally turned their entire law school on its head. In their first year the student council had to post security guards at Jaemin’s door – no heat suppressants or scent blockers good enough to stop the addictive, heroin-like scent from driving every alpha nearby insane.

“Listen Hyuck,” Mark took his hands, “I can’t stay here. I’m sorry baby, but…” his eyes flitted to the door, his own sugary-watermelon smell thickening.

“Let’s reschedule our date okay?” Hyuck smiled at him, squeezing his hands. They were both still shaking

“Will you be okay here?” Mark asked. He had no idea how an alpha could be close to _that_ for long and not turn into an animal.

“I… I don’t know.” Hyuck answered honestly. Of course Jaemin was one of his best friends, he would never hurt him. But it would be extraordinary difficult, torturous even, to be around him like this for a few days.

“Do you want to come stay with me?” Mark offered.

“No, I can’t leave Jaemin” He bit his bottom lip. Jaemin was down bad, he needed someone to care for him, make sure he ate something, didn’t become dehydrated. But Hyuck didn’t know if he could do that.

“Will… will you be okay? Can you do it?” _Fuck knows_ I _can’t_.

Hyuck swallowed, worried. Can he really be a good friend and not a lunatic alpha? Holed up here? Like this?

“I… don’t know.”

“Hyuckie, if you can’t stay here that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad friend.” Mark comforted him, both of them needed to leave, for their well being and Jaemin’s.

He brushed a lock of caramel hair out of his eyes.

“But what else can we do?”

“Maybe take him to the nearest hospital? Their heat unit could help?”

Hyuck shook his head, “We can’t move him like this.”

Silence fell between then as they thought about how they could help Jaemin and protect themselves. Then Mark had an idea.

“What about Jeno?”

“Jeno?” Hyuck frowned, he knew Jaemin had become close with his new partner based on their conversation a few weeks ago.

“They’re close right?”

“Well yeah, I think so. You trust him?” Hyuck didn’t know Jeno well, he would rather stay here and suffer than let a stranger take care of Jaemin.

“I do, he’s a good guy, and I know he cares about Jaemin. Like a lot.” _Asshole won’t shut up about him to be honest_.

“Alright, let’s ask him.”

“Uh.. let’s wait outside. It’s … a bit heavy in here.”

Outside the apartment, they could still smell Jaemin, but it wasn’t as seductive.

“Hey man,” Mark said as Jeno picked up the phone, “Listen bro, I need to ask you something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a rollercoaster :,) 
> 
> Is Jeno to be trusted with Jaemin? Will they make up or just make it worse? What do you think will happen next?? 
> 
> Tysm for everyone reading and supporting this fic <3 thank you for letting me tell my story <3


	14. Nodus Tollens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Panic, Anxiety, reference to PTSD

Jeno gaped at Donghyuck and Mark, not believing what he had heard.

“You want me to _what?”_ when Mark had called, saying there was something wrong with Jaemin, he had gotten in his car and immediately drove to the address he had been sent.

“Just stay here with him and make sure he doesn’t die.” Hyuck was getting frustrated, on edge from Jaemin’s smell.

“Yeah, but why did you call _me_ of all people?”

“I know you care about him” Mark began, getting a look from Jeno, “You wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

“And none of our other friends can help” Hyuck added. Jisung and Chenle lived in medical dorms close to the hospitals they worked at, and Renjun being a beta wouldn’t have the faintest idea of how to take care of an omega in heat.

“Why can’t you just do it?” Jeno asked them, slightly panicked. He had met Donghyuck a couple of times in the courthouse and of course Mark had talked about him quite a lot, but he couldn’t believe that Hyuck had agreed with Mark that this was a good idea.

“I have never come across anything like this in my entire life and I feel like it’s making me insane” Mark snapped, maybe a little too forcefully.

“Jaemin and I haven’t lived close to each other since our 2nd year of law school. I’m not used to it anymore.” Hyuck explained, taking Mark’s hand to calm both himself and his boyfriend.

“You guys have been working together for a while now right? You’re used to his scent by now.” Mark explained

Jeno blinked. He was not.

“I know he only uses scent blockers for court.” Hyuck added, in that moment he hadn’t yet realised that for the entire time Jaemin had stayed with him he had been odourless.

Jeno didn’t know what to do. He wanted to help Jaemin, he wanted to see him, be there for him. Make things right. But not like this. Not when his alpha was salivating like a thirsty maniac. But how could Jeno explain? He couldn’t tell them what was really going on. He couldn’t hurt Jaemin even more, betray him yet again.

“Okay I’ll take him home first and then I’ll stay with him.”

Both Donghyuck and Mark frowned at Jeno.

“His… house burned down” Mark said slowly, as if this was common knowledge.

 _“What?”_ Jeno’s heart stuttered.

“Yeah, like almost two weeks ago” Hyuck frowned, had Jeno always been this slow? “He didn’t tell you?”

“No. We uh…. Haven’t talked in a while. Busy, you know.” _What the fuck I had no idea, God I’m the worst. If Jaemin never forgives me it’ll be too soon._

“Besides, you can’t move an omega in heat. It could be dangerous. You didn’t know that?” Mark asked, what was going _on?_ Jeno was being really weird.

“Yeah, sure. Of course.” Actually he hadn’t known that. After all the heats he had shared with omegas he had no idea. There was a lot he apparently didn’t know or was just stupidly clueless about.

“So I’ll stay with Mark for a few days, you can stay here with Jaemin.” Donghyuck explained, “Please Jeno,” he continued, serious, “protect him. Take care of him. Being an omega isn’t easy in the first place, and Jaemin has had it harder than most.” He clapped Jeno on the shoulder, worry in his eyes. There was a lot of questions that swirled in Hyuck’s heart, but he’ll talk to Jaemin once he’s out of his heat.

Hyuck hastily packed some things and then left, leaving Jeno standing inside an apartment that smelled of heaven.

_What the fuck do I do now?_

Jeno had called his assistant, asked her to pack a bag and pick up his laptop, then he put in rut leave for a week. She had looked at him strangely when he got his stuff from her outside Hyuck’s building, but Jeno just thanked her profusely before running back inside.

Now he stood outside the door of the room where Jaemin was, too scared to go in. Bracing himself, breathing a mouth full of lilies, he opened the door. Jaemin lay on his back unconscious, sweat shining on his flushed cheeks. His lips were slightly parted as he breathed hard.

Jeno swallowed, nervous. His own body responding, painfully alert at the sight and smell of the omega.

 _Okay, okay, okay. Just breathe. What do I do now?_ Jeno had no idea what he was doing. In his book ‘taking care’ of an omega in heat wasn’t really care as much as it was just satisfying their most primal needs until the heat was over, but Jeno was absolutely sure that was _not_ what Mark and Hyuck had intended, nor was it something that Jaemin would ever want.

_Let’s make him more comfortable. Yeah let’s do that._

As gently as he could, Jeno peeled off Jaemin’s blazer, removed his tie and socks and shoes. Jeno didn’t dare do anything more, and even though Jaemin was sticky with sweat and slick, he would not cross that line. He had already betrayed Jaemin enough, he couldn’t even imagine how much it would hurt him if he touched him any more while he was unconscious. He placed a pillow under his head and arranged his limbs in a more comfortable position. Then he ran to the kitchen to grab a towel and some water.

Jaemin pried his eyes open, feeling like death. His eyes were filled with sand, his body like lead. _I’m in heat. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._ His thoughts jarred as his vision blurred, his own scent so thick in the room his mind skittered to a halt as his heart dropped out of his chest. He nearly fell out of the bed as his weakened body struggled to wake, stumbling and groaning he frantically got himself in the shower. Still clothed, his hands feverishly opened the water, letting the icy spray wash over him. But it did nothing to cool his system, to soothe his sensitive skin or to get rid of his scent.

 _Get off, get off, get off, get off,_ his mind chattering like a lunatic. Why wasn’t there any soap in the shower? Anything? Squeezing his eyes shut, Jaemin ripped off his sopping shirt before frantically rubbing at his skin. Logic would tell him this wouldn’t do anything to get rid of his scent, but feverish anxiety drove him to rub and scratch reason far gone, _Get off, get off, get off, get off_.

“Jaemin?” Jeno called as he heard a thud from the spare room. He was in the kitchen cooking dinner and reading up on omega heat, when he heard agitated movement. Jeno walked inside but the bed was empty. Then he heard the rush of water, the sound of whimpering and crying. The bathroom door open, Jeno rushed inside, afraid Jaemin had gotten hurt. For all his life he would never forget the sight that met his eyes, or how it ripped at his heart. Jaemin sat on the floor of the shower, water rushing over him. He was curled up in a ball, his hands over his ears, fingers digging into his scalp. Red scratches welted on his bare arms.

“Jaem!” Jeno rushed over and turned off the water. He kneeled in front of Jaemin, his lily-lotus-opium scent telling him how distressed the omega was.

“Jaemin?” he gently asked, but there was no response, Jaemin continued to shake with the force of his cries, head buried in his knees. Jeno didn’t know how to make it better, somehow Jaemin was in excruciating pain and Jeno couldn’t do anything. Afraid that what he was doing could just make everything worse, he reached out and gently took Jaemin’s wrist, lifting his palms from his ears.

“Jaemin?” he asked again softly. Slowly, Jaemin raised his head and met Jeno’s eyes.

“J-Jen?” his eyes were filled with tears and fear as they glowed violet.

“Hey” Jeno smiled at him softly, trying his best to be comforting. “What’s wrong?” his voice low and soothing.

“It-it hurts,” his voice was low and raspy, “The smell.. I – I c-can’t - ”

Just moments ago Jeno had read how scent blockers wouldn’t work on an omega in heat, and the only way to supress their smell is with the scent of an alpha. But Jeno would never scent Jaemin if he didn’t ask for it. Having an idea, Jeno reached down and pulled off his hoodie handing it to Jaemin, “Here”

Jaemin grabbed it and buried his face in the warm softness, the smell of apple-spice drowning out his own. The first wave of heat had subsided, and after Jaemin didn’t know how long, he was able to lift his head and look around him. The intensity of his scent and desires fading from a hot flash to a low simmer. It seems that while Jaemin had sat with his head buried in Jeno’s clothes, he had brought a bag filled with more clothes, a towel and toiletries. Jaemin frowned, wondering what the alpha was doing there in the first place. Brain too tired to think properly, Jaemin showered. He used Jeno’s shower gel and towel and dressed in his clothes. Normally, he would be disgusted, repulsed by the smell of an alpha, never mind the idea of wearing their clothes. But the smell of Jeno was so soothing, it’s effect on Jaemin’s heat riddled body undeniably calming – his apple spice scent completely masking Jaemin’s own.

Wary of what he may find outside the room, not sure how Jeno was going to act or react, Jaemin slowly stepped out. Jeno stood with his back to Jaemin, his muscular frame flexing as he moved. He seemed to be cooking, humming to himself softly.

“Jeno?” Jaemin asked cautiously

The alpha turned to Jaemin, a smile appearing on his face, his crescent eyes softening, “Hey Jaem.”

Jaemin hesitated, Jeno seemed calm and relaxed, any trace of alpha red was absent from his eyes. Not at all how alphas normally acted around omegas in heat.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, turning back to the stove. He couldn’t bare the sight of Jaemin just then, dressed in his clothes, cheeks flushed, black hair falling softly over his perfect face.

“Like shit.”

“Wha-“

“Are-“

They spoke at the same time, cutting each other off.

“Go ahead.” Jaemin said, “It’s okay you go.” Jeno replied, switching off the stove and turning back to Jaemin.

 _God this is so awkward,_ Jeno thought. He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall comfortably. Trying to look calm and collected when his heart and body were feeling _very different_ things.

 _I need a drink,_ Jaemin also thought. Jaemin’s plan had been to ignore whatever he had been feeling for Jeno as long as was humanly possible. But it had been getting worse, even after their fight, the hurtful words, it became harder and harder to shove his heart down. Now the sight of Jeno so strong and kind in front of him, filled him with desires he didn’t want. But maybe if he pretended his feelings didn’t exist, they would go away.

“Uhm… what are you doing here?” During the painful haze of heat, he hadn’t quite grasped how much Jeno was _not_ supposed to be there. But now that he was somewhat clearheaded, he was confused.

“Oh, yeah Donghyuck called me.”

“He did?” Jaemin was surprised, why would he do that?

“Yeah, he uh… wasn’t comfortable to stay here with you.”

Jaemin blinked.

“I don’t need-“

“You don’t need to be taken care of,” Jeno finished his sentence, smiling softly, “I know that. And that’s not really why I am here.” He uncrossed his arms and stuck them in his pockets, anxious. Whenever he tried to talk to Jaemin he would just fuck everything up so badly.

“Then why are you here?” Jaemin asked, curious. He had honestly never thought he would talk to Jeno like this again.

“To apologize.” _I wanted to see you. I missed you. I can’t lose you._

Jaemin remained silent.

“The things… the things I said to you Jaem.” He took a deep breath, not sure how to say what he was feeling, “I was horrible, I’m so sorry.” Jeno looked down, at that moment he didn’t have the strength to meet Jaemin’s gaze. He was too ashamed of his actions, too much regret for how he had treated him.

Still Jaemin said nothing. He had never seen an alpha regret something they had done.

“I… I care about you. A lot. And I tried to be there for you, I tried to be understand but I just hurt you. I’m really sorry.”

“Jen-“ Jaemin began, moving closer. The alpha was clearly distressed, his scent heavy with sadness and regret. It touched something in Jaemin. An alpha with sincerity? Who would have thought.

“If you can’t forgive me, I get it. I know I should have just listened to you, instead of thinking I know better.” He rambled on, one hand dragging through his hair.

“Jeno-“ he took another step closer, but he didn’t think Jeno noticed.

“I’m not sure I deserve anything from you, but just know that I am so, so sorry.”

“Jeno, it’s okay.”

Then Jaemin did something he never thought he would, he reached for Jeno’s hands. He entwined their fingers. Jeno’s gaze flashed up, clashing with Jaemin’s who was suddenly _so close._

“It’s okay. I forgive you.”

“Jaem-“

“If you want to be there for me, do just that,” He smiled softly at Jeno, dazzling the alpha, “Just _be_ there.”

Jeno nodded slowly, for the first time he noticed how there seemed to be stars in Jaemin’s eyes. The warmth Jeno knew he had in him shining through unrestrained.

“Can I trust you to be on my side Jen?”

“Always.” Jeno said, resting his forehead against Jaemin’s.

Maybe it was his heat, maybe it was Jeno’s scent, but in that moment Jaemin was happy. He couldn’t pretend those things in his heart didn’t exist anymore. For the first time in 5 years, he felt like he had found some semblance of peace.

And it was with Jeno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Nomin heart :,)
> 
> They resolve their fight!! And finally they are on the same page - thank God. 
> 
> Buuuutt there are still a couple of days of Nana's heat left - so what is going to happen next? Jeno has done well to keep control of himself, will he be able to keep it up? 👀
> 
> Let me know what you predict! :)


	15. Kairosclerosis

“Are you hungry?” Jeno asked, hands still entwined with Jaemin’s.

Jaemin nodded, smiling “I’ll set the table.”

He stepped away from Jeno, mourning the loss of contact.

With Jeno dishing up and Jaemin setting the table, the atmosphere was comfortably domestic.

 _I could get used to this_ , Jeno thought. Thinking about how big a part of his life Jaemin now occupied.

Jaemin frowned at the food Jeno had made. Instant ramen.

“Something wrong?” Jeno asked.

“Instant noodles?” he wasn’t being a picky, he was just surprised. Jeno was gorgeous and fit, Jaemin didn’t think he was one to eat things like this.

“Huyck didn’t have a lot of groceries, sorry babe” Jeno said with a smile, stirring his noodles.

Jaemin blinked. Babe?

“Is that… okay?” Jeno asked, hesitant. His tongue had slipped. Or did it?

“Uhm… yeah.” Jaemin knew if he wasn’t already flushed from heat, he would be blushing. “Yeah, it’s nice.” His voice was soft, staring into the depths of his dinner. Jeno smiled at Jaemin suddenly shy, he had never seen him like this. Jaemin would never admit it out loud, not yet anyway, but he had never actually dated anyone. He didn’t know what that life was like or what it was supposed to feel like. Not that they were dating. _Were they?_ The idea of such closeness, even with Jeno, frightened Jaemin.

“I’ll go shopping in the morning.” Jeno offered, blowing on the steaming food.

“You’re staying?” Jaemin asked, wary. He never would have expected Jeno to care so much he would put himself through a torturous week of enduring an omega’s heat without any reward or satisfaction.

“Hmm,” he nodded, “I took the whole week off, I’ll camp out on the couch.”

Jaemin didn’t say anything, just examined the man in front of him.

“If… you want me to leave, I will.” Jeno spoke softly, meeting Jaemin’s gaze.

“No… uh please... please stay.” Their gazes held, something indescribable passing between the two. “But I’m not going to sleep with you.” Jaemin said, waving his chopsticks at Jeno in mock accusation, trying to use humour to break the loaded tension.

Jeno laughed, “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

But he did.

That night his dreams were filled with soft doe-eyes, a dazzling smile, the sound of laughter mingling with gasps. Impossibly soft skin and delicate hands.

Somewhere around dawn, Jeno bolted awake, the smell of heat so thick in the air he could have reached out and touched it. His inner alpha roared and whined, his body responding violently to the scent. It seems Jaemin’s second wave had hit and this one was a tsunami.

Worry for Jaemin helped Jeno to put a lid on his most primal instincts, leashing his alpha.

Jaemin was asleep, but it was obvious he was having some sort of nightmare. He tossed and whimpered, clutching at the sheets, sweat shining on his pink skin. Jeno needed to wake him, based on what he had read, Jaemin could be in pain, never mind dehydrated and delirious.

Jeno bent over his sleeping form, gently taking his shoulder. His alpha ripping at its leash, grating on his self-control.

_You can do this. For Jaemin._

Jaemin’s eyes shot open, the violet glow nearly lighting up the entire room. He sat up slowly, breathing hard.

Jaemin clutched at his head, painful flashbacks ricocheting off the insides of his mind. Desires and lusts he didn’t want coursing through his veins. He was a person, not an animal. Why did he have to go through this? He never asked for this life, why did he have to pay the price?

 _I hate it, I hate it, I hate it._ Even before the _incident_ , he had disliked his heats. The way it made him feel, the things he craved, the way it made others look at him. He was a victim of his own biology.

“Jaem?” Jeno asked slowly, the sharp smell of pain and panic burning in his nose.

“Just… just make it stop… please… make it stop.” He begged, not looking at Jeno.

The smell. Jeno knew Jaemin had some aversion to certain scents, it somehow made things worse.

“Jaemin, I can scent you if you want.” Jeno suggested, hesitantly. He didn’t even know if he would be able to do it. But hoodies and shower gel weren’t going to help now.

Jaemin didn’t look at him, he seemingly didn’t hear.

Slowly, gently, Jeno took Jaemin’s face in his hands.

“Hey baby.” He said softly, smiling at the omega, offering comfort. As Jaemin looked at him, his eyes seemed to focus, registering what was going on, some semblance of thought pressing through the fog of trauma and heat.

“Jen?” his voice was small.

“Hi angel. If… you want. I can scent you.” He suggested, slowly.

Jaemin hesitated, knowing what a huge step this would be for him. The deepening connection between him and Jeno was still fragile, he didn’t know if he could do it. But reason also told him it was the only way to escape his scent. And if his scent was gone then the memories would go away too.

Very slowly, he nodded.

“Are you sure?” Jeno asked, Jaemin nodded again. As slowly and softly as he could, he helped Jaemin to his feet. It wasn’t that he thought Jaemin was fragile or weak, on the contrary, the omega was extremely resilient. But to Jeno he was now incredibly precious.

“Tell me if you want me to stop okay?” Jaemin nodded, “or if your uncomfortable in any way.” Jaemin nodded again, afraid to speak. Afraid his voice would betray him and ask for _other_ things he would never be able to endure if circumstances were normal.

He steadied himself, preparing for the intimacy and the possible mental anguish that could follow. But this was the only way to rid himself of that despised odour.

“Ready?”

Jaemin nodded, voice gone, legs weak as wave after wave of molten heat racked his body.

Jeno took Jaemin in his arms, chests flush, Jaemin’s body heat searing into Jeno’s bones. Trying to be thorough but gentle, Jeno nosed Jaemin’s neck leaving apples and spice behind. He slowly stroked his hands up and down Jaemin’s back, before cupping the omegas face. Shaking, desperately trying to keep a hold on himself, Jeno lifted Jaemin’s head to give him better access to the most perfect collarbone he had ever seen. Gently thumbing his jawline, Jeno dipped his head and rubbed his lips along Jaemin’s throat. When Jaemin moaned softly, Jeno thought he was going to snap in two. He was shaking, body painfully needy, an omega in heat in his arms.

_No, not just an omega. But Jaemin._

Jaemin shook, the intimacy of the moment making him feel light headed. He gripped Jeno’s hips to keep him steady, his fingers digging into his skin. Jeno took his time, he was so incredibly gentle and slow, not hurried nor frenzied as one would expect. And for a brief moment, Jaemin was afraid. For just a moment it occurred to him how much he was trusting Jeno, how vulnerable he was with the alpha. If Jeno wanted to take something form Jaemin he didn’t want to give, he wouldn’t be able to stop him.

 _I don’t have to be afraid._ He told himself. Jeno had proved himself to not be a typical alpha and had been so sincere and genuine.

_I can trust him._

But he was still scared. Scared of what it would mean if he fell for Jeno.

_Too late._

Jeno gritted his teeth and finished enveloping Jaemin in his scent, the addictive smell of lotus and opium gone.

“Better?” Jeno asked his voice low and raspy, Jaemin still wrapped in his arms.

“Thank you.” Jaemin whispered unsteadily, resting his forehead on Jeno’s shoulder. His scent and presence doing more for Jaemin’s state of mind than any medication ever could. He wrapped his arms around Jeno’s waist in a soft hug, anchoring his racing heart.

“Get back in bed, you still need to ride out this wave okay? I’ll go get you some water.”

Feeling like he was disembowelling himself, Jeno had to use all of his willpower, mustering strength he didn’t know he had, to let go of Jaemin and leave the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nana is having such a hard time :<
> 
> Luckily Jenito has gotten his act together! 
> 
> What is next for Nomin? Will Jaemin be able to reciprocate Jeno's feelings? Or will the past hold him back? Will he ever be able to be honest with Jeno and tell him the whole story? 
> 
> Let me know what you think - or hope - will happen next!! <3 <3


	16. Anemoia

When Jaemin woke the next day, it was nearly noon. He groaned and rolled over, feeling like he had been hit by a truck and stuffed in a blender, a hangover-headache like a cherry atop a fucked up cake. He was thirsty, hungry, his body stiff and his mind was tender.

His insides felt fragile, almost like he was walking along a very narrow cliff. There was still two days of his heat left but hopefully the worst was over now. Every time his body heat spiked and he broke out in a sweat, his scent would thicken and he would _desire_ things, _need_ things. Things he didn’t want to want. Things he didn’t want to remember, feelings and pains. He was a person first, a lawyer second, and an omega as a very low third – he’d be damned if he gave into his most primal needs and behave like an animal. Never mind the fact that he didn’t think his brain would be able to handle the aftermath. If he ‘let go’ and ran wild with whatever alpha was close by like most omegas did, he would ruin himself. He wouldn’t ever recover from that. Just adding new bad memories atop the old ones.

Thirst and hunger drew him out of his bed, he sniffed at himself, a little wary of what he might smell. But his senses picked up on one thing only: Jeno.

“Jen?” Jaemin called, as he stepped out of the room. There was silence. Frowning, Jaemin looked around the small apartment for the alpha but it was obvious he wasn’t there. Jaemin remembered he had said something about groceries, he was probably out shopping. Somehow the idea irked him.

A little later, Jaemin had his laptop out with a strong cup of coffee, getting his work in order. He put in heat leave just like any normal omega would – something he had never actually done before. He wondered if Renjun would say something about it. He was also supposed to be in court with Mr Park the next day, but he handed his case over to Johnny with some back and forth updates and emails. It was a messy case, but luckily not a complicated one, and Jaemin of course trusted Johnny to take care of it.

Jaemin stretched as he finished his work, wondering where Jeno was still, it had been almost two hours since he woke up.

 _Na Jaemin are you_ missing _him? An alpha?_ He scolded himself

_No, no, no, no, I can’t be._

_Well, maybe._

_Yes._

_Fuck._

Shaking off his unsettled thoughts, he decided to take a shower and clean himself up before Jeno came back. Somehow the idea of missing Jeno annoyed him. The whole situation he was currently in was upsetting. He wasn’t supposed to have his heats, he wasn’t supposed to be here, so comfortable with an alpha. _Falling._

As Jaemin showered, did some more work, drank a gallon of cheap coffee and waited for Jeno to return, he just became more and more irritated. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was his messy feelings or the fact that he missed Jeno and didn’t want to, mad at himself that he did. The memory of Jeno scenting him still so fresh in his mind. He had been comforted, happy even. But now he regretted asking Jeno to hold him in that way – some part of him was too afraid to be happy. Too scared to want Jeno. Wanting him meant he had to be open, vulnerable, trusting – he didn’t know how to do that.

Much later, on his second pack of cigarettes, Jaemin stood on the tiny balcony and looked out on the bit of the city he could see. His mind was empty, he just stood there. Smoking silently, exhausted from his tumultuous feelings and conflicting heart. His heat had taken a toll on him, mentally and physically.

He heard the door open, and Jeno called his name announcing his return. Jaemin didn’t respond. Annoyance surging up in him again, bringing him back to himself. Angry at himself for being happy he was back. _Stupid. You know what alphas are really like._

“Jaem?” Jeno asked from behind him, he had gone looking for the omega when he didn’t respond.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, something seemed a bit off. Maybe Jaemin was just tired, but now Jeno knew better than to push or make his own assumptions.

“Fine.” He responded, not looking at the alpha.

“Sorry I took so long, I didn’t know what you like so I got a bit of everything.”

_Why are you so nice? Just let me be mad at you._

“Hungry?” Jeno asked, stepping outside to stand next to Jaemin. He frowned slightly as he noticed that Jaemin was wearing his own clothes.

“No.” He said, lighting yet another cigarette. He knew what it did to his health, he knew it was a disgusting habit, but he felt particularly self-destructive just then. Some deep dark part of him hoped that Jeno would judge his bad habits, be repulsed by them, secretly wishing that Jeno would leave him without having to push him away. He couldn’t deal with how much he cared about the alpha just then.

“I’ll make something and put it in the fridge for later, okay?” Jeno said, smiling softly. He knew something was up, but he promised Jaemin that he would be on his side and that was exactly what he was going to do. So instead, he let Jaemin be and headed inside.

Jaemin didn’t fully understand why he was so upset about his feelings for Jeno, but he knew that if the alpha had been an utter asshole it would be _so_ much easier to hate him. But Jaemin just felt like shit knowing his anger wasn’t justified, Jeno had been nothing but kind and caring the last few days. Which made everything just hurt so much worse.

He flicked his nth cigarette bud over the edge and headed inside, he had to occupy himself with something or he’ll end up standing on that balcony for hours just slipping in and out of himself.

Jeno was busy in the kitchen, humming to himself. The living room floor was packed with shopping bags filled with every single kind of food, sweets and drinks Jaemin could imagine. For some reason this ignited his fury even. Jaemin grabbed his computer and marched into the spare room, shutting the door.

Jeno started at the sound, looking over his shoulder to see what it was. Jaemin had locked himself in his room it seems. Feeling oddly sad, Jeno finished cooking before packing away the lunch he had made. Giving Jaemin his space, he sat at the kitchen counter to get some of his own work done.

As the sun began to set, Jeno stretched his aching shoulders. He had gotten a lot of work done during the day. He had called Mark, checking in on them, finalised contracts, preparing for court and putting the finish touches on the merger. With everything that had happened lately, he had completely forgotten that Jaemin was actually supposed to be his business partner. He also forgot that Jaemin was in heat, his house had burned down and that soon they were going to have to leave Hyuck’s apartment and return to their own lives. Jeno sighed, uncertain of what the future held for them. But he did know for a fact that he wanted a future with Jaemin.

Jeno hadn’t seen nor heard from him the whole afternoon, and he was getting worried. Maybe he could offer him some coffee as an excuse to talk to him.

Jeno dug through the shopping bags to look for the French press and coffee that he knew Jaemin likes.

Waiting for the kettle to boil, Jeno was filled with worry for Jaemin. His next wave could hit any moment, but something else had upset him already. He wanted to be there for him, hug him, help him heal, see his laugh twinkle in his pretty eyes. In that moment Jeno felt it in his bones, how much Jaemin meant to him. The thoughts and feelings he had held inside swirled together in the realisation that he was in love. Deeply. Even Jeno’s alpha adored Jaemin.

They had known each other for only a couple of months, was it possible? _Yes_. Joy and insecurity making him feel like the world has come to a standstill.

Jeno was about to pour water in the press when he heard a loud thump. He whirled around. It came from Jaemin’s room. Another sharp crash followed.

He dashed over, “Jaemin??” Jeno called, banging on the locked door. There was no answer.

Taking a step back, he rammed his shoulder into the door. Fuck this door for being in his way. _Get to Jaemin._

On his second try, the door busted in with a force, off its hinges, Jeno’s shoulder aching from the force.

“Jaemin!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nomin are going through it 😭😭
> 
> What does the next chapter have in store for our precious Nana and Jenito?  
> What was the noise that Jeno heard, is Nana okay??  
> Can Jaem be honest about his feelings? Or will he shut Jeno out?
> 
> Let me know what you think will happen next!


	17. Ambedo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Anxiety, panic attack, PTSD, implied sexual assault.

Jaemin was sitting on the bed, trying his best to focus on his work. He was still a lawyer, he still had people depending on him and he couldn’t fall behind. Trying to lock up all of his feelings, like he was so good at, he set to work. But as he was trying to concentrate, he felt the warmth rising in his blood, heat slowly beginning to swirl around him. His hands started to shake as sweat beaded on his forehead. _Fuck._ He hated this feeling, hated not being in control of what happened to him.

Jaemin breathed deeply, trying his best to restrain his panic as he caught the first whiff of his scent. He couldn’t fall apart again, he was too fragile, his insides raw. If he breaks this time he might never be able to put himself together. This heat wave was much milder than the previous one, but his scent was somehow stronger. His biggest trigger. And as much as Jaemin tried to shove his terror down, the harder the past fought back, clawing to the front of his mind. He shut his eyes shut and squeezed his fists, nails digging painfully into his palms. _No, no, no, no. Go away, go away._

His mind began to slowly fall apart, giving rise to his anxiety, any thought of calling out for Jeno evaporated as his vision darkened. It wasn’t that he was remembering, but he was _reliving_ that night. Over and over and over again. Shame, humiliation, regret, pain all swirled like a cocktail of acid in his empty stomach. Feeling sick, shaking and weak, he desperately scrambled for the bathroom. But his legs gave way under him and he crashed to the floor painfully.

Driven by the desperation to get away, _to run,_ Jaemin tried to get to his feet again but he stumbled, crashing into the bathroom. But he wasn’t seeing the bathroom. He couldn’t see in front of him at all. Dark, twisted things had settled over his vision. Instead he saw _that_ bedroom. He saw glowing red eyes. The stink of alpha arousal burning his nose. He felt rough hands bruising his skin. Unwelcome claws ripping at his clothes. _He heard them_.

_…. asking for it._

_Be a good omega and…_

_… slut._

_Your own fault…_

_That smell…_

_… who’s next?_

Jeno crashed into the room, his heart beat spiked as he registered the sharp smell of fear. It had never been this bad. Where was Jaemin?

Jeno found him lying on the bathroom floor, clutching at his head, eyes squeezed shut. He was breathing hard, tears streaking his face. The thick smell of heat and panic hanging in the air like a cloud.

“Jeam?” Jeno asked, leaning over him but he didn’t respond. _He can’t hear me_. Jaemin was lost in his head, not seeing or hearing anything else. As gently as he could, Jeno sat and gathered Jaemin in his arms. With agonising slowness, Jeno held him close, rocking back and forth, a palm gently rubbing his back. Trying to help Jaemin get through whatever he was experiencing, he whispered in his ear.

“It’s okay baby.” He pressed his cheek against Jaemin’s soft hair and continued to whisper, “You’re going to be okay.”

Like waking up from a coma, being pulled out in the midst of drowning, Jaemin smelled apples and spice. Warmth seeped into his freezing bones, as he came back to himself. The devastation of that night in his second year slowly fading.

“J-Jeno?” he would recognise that smell anywhere. His anchor.

“Hi angel, I’m right here.” The alpha whispered softly.

Jaemin ached, insides feeling empty, shaking. And so, so tired. He couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t live like this. He needed help. The flood of feelings that came with reliving the worst night of his life had melted his insides, leaving him hollowed out.

He looked up from where he was cradled in Jeno’s lap, he hadn’t even noticed he was being held, the grip of the past too strong. He met Jeno’s eyes, so deep and warm, filled with light. His brown hair falling over his forehead, a soft smile on his face. So close that Jaemin felt warm breath on his cheek.

“I’m – “ Jaemin began but the words got stuck in his throat, taking a deep breath he tried again, “I’m so sorry Jeno.” He finally managed to choke out, his eyes filling with tears. The things he had been so afraid of; vulnerability and intimacy, had now come knocking and he couldn’t get away anymore. The alpha had seen him at his worst, over and over again. Had sacrificed his time to take care of his mess. The poison Jaemin held within him spilling over onto Jeno.

“You have nothing to be sorry for angel.” Jeno said softly, slowly tracking his fingers through Jaemin’s hair, “None of this is your fault.”

“Why are you still here?” Jaemin whispered, doubtful. How could Jeno still hold him, be here when he was so difficult to deal with?

“I told you, I care about you. A lot.” _I love you_.

Jaemin hugged him tightly, winding his arms around the alpha’s neck as the last of his heat wave subsided.

“I’m tired.” Jaemin whispered into Jeno’s neck.

“Let’s get you in bed love” Jeno said, smoothly getting to his feet with Jaemin still tucked against his chest. Jaemin fell asleep quickly as Jeno put him to bed. This last heat wave and the torment of the past had ravaged him.

As the night sky began to lighten, Jeno checked on Jaemin again. He seemed to be sleeping soundly. He had scented a blanket and draped it over Jaemin to comfort the omega.

Jeno hadn’t slept a wink. The past four days he had barely slept at all. He was tired and so sexually frustrated he could run through a wall. But he was also happy. This was the longest he had spent with Jaemin at a time, and they managed to grow a lot closer. Jeno could see and understand, more than he ever did before, and Jaemin had broken down some of his walls. For both of them, this week had changed them forever.

Busying himself with unpacking everything he had bought, Jeno was lost in thought about his next step. Thinking deeply about the future, their merger, Jaemin, his feelings, he didn’t notice Jaemin waking.

The omega woke slowly, feeling better than he had in a long time, the memories of the previous night fading quickly. Getting up gingerly, he noticed the blanket he was tucked under, drawing a soft smile from him.

 _Jeno_.

Jaemin padded out of the room and found Jeno on the living room floor sorting through the ridiculous amount of things he had bought. Instead of approaching, Jaemin stood for a bit watching him. He was perfect. His muscled frame and veined forearms were flawlessly at odds with the softness of his crescent eyes and gentle swoop of his fringe. Jaemin allowed the affection and desires he had for Jeno to just wash over him for the first time, instead of holding back. Maybe, just maybe he was strong enough to try.

“Jen?”

The alpha looked up, “Hey baby.” He said with a smile, “Sleep well?” Jaemin nodded.

“Uhm… the door?” he asked, gesturing at the door hanging crooked and cracked in the frame.

“Uh… it was locked, so…” Jeno tried to explain, a little embarrassed.

“So you smashed it?” Jaemin asked, a soft teasing smile making Jeno’s heart clench.

“Well, you needed me and it was in the way.” Jeno said with a shrug.

Jaemin just looked at him, he had _literally_ run through a door for him.

“Can we talk?” he asked, cautious.

“Yeah, of course.” Jeno replied, getting to his feet.

Jaemin made his way over and sat on the battered couch, Jeno making himself comfortable next to him.

“What’s up?” he asked, looking at him tenderly.

Jaemin hesitated, for a second he felt like backing out. He was too scared to be open.

 _No, you have to do this_.

“I uh… was really mad at you yesterday.” Jaemin began, not meeting Jeno’s eye.

“I noticed.” Jeno teased, “Do you want to tell me why?”

“You’re too nice.” Jaemin admitted shyly, Jeno blinking in confusion.

“So, you got mad?” he asked, puzzled.

“I just… I don’t deserve it Jeno.” Jaemin said, voice low. He finally looked up and met his eyes, lost in their depths. “I don’t deserve your kindness. I’m… I’m a mess. And – and…” Jaemin couldn’t say anymore, he didn’t know how to put everything he had been thinking and feeling into words.

Jeno reached for Jaemin’s hand, entwining their fingers.

“Jaemin you deserve to be happy,” he began, knowing how hard this conversation must be for him. “You are so important to me Jaem, so if I can do even the smallest thing for you, I will”.

“But – but why? I’m…I’m broken Jeno. I’m volatile and – and difficult … and there are _things_. Things you don’t know.” Jaemin tried to explain, not completely comprehending Jeno’s words, “I don’t understand… how – how can you even stand to be around me?”

“You’re not broken Jaem.” Jeno leaned closer, laying his hand on Jaemin’s cheek. “You are _you_ , and to me you’re perfect.” Jeno’s eyes searched Jaemin’s face, noting the sadness and worry and insecurity, “and for as long as you want me around I’ll stay by your side.”

“I don’t – I don’t know how to do this.” Jaemin whispered, overwhelmed by his feelings and Jeno’s words, “I don’t know how to be with you.”

“We don’t have to be anything Jaem. If you need a friend, that’s what I’ll be. I’ll be whatever you need.”

“I don’t need you to be my friend.” Jaemin muttered. Something changed in Jeno’s eyes.

“Then… we’ll be co-workers. I’ll be the best partner you’ve ever had.” The sting of rejection was potent, but he would never demand something from Jaemin he couldn’t give. If he didn’t feel the same way Jeno did, it was okay.

“No, I mean… I mean I want to be more.” Jaemin swallows nervously, “More than friends.”

Jeno stared at the person in front of him. He had desperately hoped Jaemin would feel the same, some secret part of him thinking it could possibly be true.

“If… if you want to. I mean if you don’t, I-“ Jaemin tried to backtrack, did he have it all wrong? Was he the only one to have deeper feelings?

“Can I kiss you?” Jeno whispered, floored by Jaemin. Completely taken apart.

Jaemin stared at Jeno, caught off guard. Yes, he wanted to kiss him, badly. But he was still scared, everything was still new and unfamiliar. But Jaemin wanted to try and move forward, and now that Jeno knew how he felt, maybe Jaemin could finally move on with him by his side.

Slowly, Jaemin nodded.

Jeno cupped Jaemin’s perfect face in his hands. His beautiful doe-eyes were filled with expectation and desire, setting Jeno on fire. When Jeno finally kisses his mouth, everything goes oddly quiet, like the moment of silence between lightning and thunder. Jeno pulled away, just a breath, but Jaemin closes the distance this time and they kiss again. Hesitant at first, but when Jeno’s tongue slips inside his mouth, gentle but demanding, it’s nothing like Jaemin has ever experienced. The kind of kiss that breaks open the sky. Jaemin now knew why kissing was compared to melting because every square inch of his body dissolves into Jeno’s. He reached for Jeno, losing his fingers in his soft hair. Losing himself in the feel and taste of the other. Jeno felt his veins throb and his heart explode, he never wanted anyone like this before. His breath stolen by the sweetness of Jaemin, the taste and the feel of him showing the alpha every other kiss he’s had in his life has been wrong. He swallowed Jaemin’s gasp as heat rose between the two, lips and tongues dancing with the want and desperation both had kept hidden until that moment. When Jaemin gently bit at Jeno’s bottom lip, a sharp spike of desire shot through his body and it was his turn to moan from need. Jeno pulled Jaemin closer, almost all the way into his lap as his yearning for him made his head spin. He wanted to devour him, sink into him, hear him gasp and moan and scream his name. But not yet. _Not yet._

“We’re going to wake the neighbours.” Jeno whispered against Jaemin’s mouth, trying to reel himself in. They were both out of breath, skin flushed, heartbeats racing. Their scents were so strong, mingling together perfectly like the air of spring, thirsty desire thick in the air. They really were going to attract outside attention if they smelled like this.

Jaemin sighed contently, leaning back slightly to look at Jeno’s eyes. Never in his life had he felt like this. And to be honest he never thought he would or could, he never thought he’d kiss someone, let them near him. _Fall in love._

“Be mine?” Jaemin asked, solidifying the words and touches shared.

“I already am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!! <3
> 
> Jenito is the sweetest and Nana is finally being more open! What do you think is next for them?   
> There are still many questions that are unanswered - Hanbin? Nana's house? The merger? 
> 
> Will our Nomin be okay?? 
> 
> Let me know what you expect from the next chapters!! Our story isn't even close to being over yet ;) so buckle up! Lots of heartache, fluff and some sexy times ahead. 
> 
> Author's note: So our precious Nana is suffering from PTSD (triggers and episodes are different for everyone - the panic attack he had in this chapter was largely based on my own experience) and in most cases the most difficult thing to overcome for someone with PTSD is to remember the trauma without reliving it. Certain triggers can take your mind back to the traumatic incident to such an extent that it feels like it's happening again, more than a memory.


	18. Morii

_I have a boyfriend. I have an alpha boyfriend._

Jaemin thought as he looked down at Jeno. A little stunned at his new reality. Four months ago if someone told him he would be here, cuddling, in love, he would have thought they were crazy. Now, Jeno lay on Jaemin’s lap as they watched a movie. It was a horror – Jaemin’s favourite genre.

“You know what I don’t get, why do they always go _look?_ ” Jeno commented, looking up at Jaemin, “Like you hear something weird in the attic of a creepy house and your first reaction is to go _look?_ ”

Jaemin wasn’t really watching the movie, too occupied with playing with Jeno’s hair and admiring his long frame stretched out on the couch.

“What?” Jeno asked, teasingly as Jaemin didn’t respond to his rant.

Jaemin blushed, caught staring, “You’re … really hot.” He blurted, suddenly shy. Jeno chuckled, “Is that the only reason you like me?” he teased, “because you want to jump my bones?”

“No! No, I mean – but “ Jaemin stuttered, blush deepening.

“So you _don’t_ want to jump my bones?”

“I do, yes.. but, no – oh my God.” He tried to explain, failing miserably.

Jeno smiled, looking up at Jaemin’s blushing face. _Cute._

“I’m just teasing love.”

Jeno pushed himself up with one hand, still leaning over Jaemin’s legs.

“Let’s go on a date soon” Jeno suggested. He was asking his boyfriend out on their first date, and suddenly he was insecure. No other dating experience, or past relationship could come close to what he had with Jaemin. How he felt about him. In the past Jeno thought he knew love, what it felt like, but now he realised he had never really been in love before, he didn’t have a clue. Until now. _I never though soulmates existed._

Jaemin nodded with a smile, doing normal couple things with Jeno sounded wonderful. They were going to have to leave soon, Jaemin’s heat was over, so getting out and on with their lives _together_ was exactly what Jaemin wanted.

“Actually Jaem, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about too.” Jeno began, suddenly more serious, “Your house… “

“Oh yeah that.” he brushed it off, it wasn’t important, he hadn’t even told Jeno about what happened yet.

“Have you heard anything? Like from the cops or something?” he asked, frowning.

“No, not yet. They said, they’re looking into it – but I’m not really bothered to be honest.” He shrugged, he hadn’t thought about his house and the fire in days. He also hadn’t spoken to his parents in a while. Oops.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like it wasn’t really home for me, you know. It was just the place I lived. I was more bummed about how long it will take to replace everything.” He shared honestly.

“I get that, but what I meant was do you… do you think maybe someone did it on purpose? Like target you?” Jeno spoke the thought that had worried him for days.

“I… don’t know. I don’t think so. Who would want to do that?” Jaemin frowned, he hadn’t even considered the possibility that the fire wasn’t an accident.

“Hanbin maybe?” Jeno suggested, concern over his suddenly unhinged ex-employee hadn’t left him.

“He’d do that?” Jaemin asked, shocked. He assumed that after he knocked him out, putting the disgraced alpha in his place, that would be the end of it.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to think he could. But after that day in the police station…” he hesitated to go on, “I just… want you to be safe. If anyone hurt you… I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Jaemin examined his face, he’ll never get used to the amount of kindness and care Jeno treated him with. He knew Jeno didn’t think of him as delicate or incapable, that wasn’t where his kindness stemmed from. Instead Jaemin felt safe, cared for, precious.

“Do you think, after this week… you know, you could….” Jeno began, looking down. He had been wanting to ask Jaemin this for a few days, but he was somehow hesitant, unsure of how Jaemin will respond.

“Could what?”

“Come stay with me?” Jeno asked, meeting Jaemin’s eyes again, “Just - just until you find a new place.” _Stay with me forever_.

Jaemin paused, _Move in with Jeno?_ It sounded amazing… but terrifying. What would the implications be if he said yes? Did Jeno have other expectations?

“I have plenty of spare rooms and you can have your own space, as much as you want.” He said, trying to reassure Jaemin, doubt darting in his eyes.

“I don’t know, Jen.” Jaemin said, speaking truthfully. Somewhat comforted by how Jeno didn’t expect them to share a room, or anything … more. “It’s… it’s a lot.” He bit his lip in thought.

“You don’t have to decide right away, just … think about it okay?”

Jaemin nodded, both comforted and worried at the same time.

Jeno smiled before grabbing Jaemin and pecking playful kisses all over his face, making the omega laugh.

“I adore you, Jaem.”

For the rest of the week, the were glued together, inseparable. Endless hours of cuddles, cooking together, working, talking and laughing. Jaemin slowly got used to hugs and softness, the support and strength that Jeno offered him warming his insides in a way that was new and unfamiliar. Jeno still slept on the couch and Jaemin in the spareroom, he wasn’t there yet - to fall asleep next to him, completely unguarded and open. But saying goodnight every night had become harder and harder.

There were still some walls, some secrets, things Jaemin would never say aloud. He knew that Jeno suspected some things, but the alpha never pushed or asked, he was just _there_. Unshaken. And Jaemin _loved_ him for it.

Jeno loved how domestic they were, how _easily_ they fit together. Routines, habits, morning coffee and talks. He couldn’t imagine a time where he didn’t know Jaemin or have him be close to him, he didn’t want to let go. Ever.

“Okay, so here – “ Jaemin began, pointing at Jeno’s laptop screen, “What?” he asked, noting Jeno wasn’t listening.

“Can I take you out tonight?” It was their last night at the apartment, Hyuck would be back tomorrow and Jeno would leave. Jaemin still hadn’t given him an answer.

Jaemin nodded, nervous. He hadn’t be on a date in a long time – even in high school his dates had been few and far between.

“But let’s get this done and notarised first okay?” Jaemin suggested, they really had to finalise the merger and all of its contracts and arrangements.

“So, as I was saying…”

But Jeno couldn’t focus, the way Jaemin’s pretty hands danced over the screen as he explained his point of view, how his smooth voice was all serious. Jaemin in full lawyer work mode, was very, very sexy.

“Ready?” Jeno asked knocking on the bedroom door he had fixed just the previous day.

A beat later, Jaemin opened the door and stepped out. Dressed in all black, fitted trousers showing off his long legs, and a silk shirt that was unbuttoned just enough to tease at his collarbone.

“God, you’re gorgeous.” Jeno whispered, breathless. He was perfectly put together, sleek and stunning, almost aloof, still somewhat untouchable just like the first day they met. But now, there was light in his eyes and colour to his cheeks that hadn’t been there before.

“T-thanks” he replied, shy. He had of course been complimented for his looks his whole life. Maybe _complimented_ was a bit too liberal a term to describe how people sometimes looked at him or what they said. _Objectified_ would be a better term.

“Jen… can you uhm…” Jaemin started gesturing at his neck. He had showered and dressed in his own clothes and within moments he whiffed his scent. Nerves racked at him as his palms grew sweaty.

“Of course, come here baby.” He said softly, pulling Jaemin into his chest. The omega sighed with relief as apples and spice erased his own smell. More comfortable with each other, Jaemin more open, Jeno took is sweet time scenting him.

He kissed along his jaw, nibbling at his throat, playfully licking and teasing, thumbs gently pressing into his hips. Jaemin bit his bottom lip at the sensation, the softness of Jeno’s touches, the things it made him feel. His head was filled with nothing but thoughts of the alpha. Jeno played at the edge of his shirt, fingers lightly trailing along his lower back, soft and scorching and tender.

“Jeno…” Jaemin sighed, being teased relentlessly with the alpha’s ministrations.

“Hmm?” he hummed, nibbling at Jaemin’s ear.

“I uh…” his brain fried, “I think that’s enough.”

Jeno lifted his head slowly to meet the omega’s eyes, they were glowing a soft violet, gentle pink creeping up his cheeks.

Jeno’s eyes were deep and dark, unspoken wants within.

 _Maybe one day_. Jaemin thought, maybe one day they could go further. When Jaemin was ready.

No matter how much Jeno burned for Jaemin, he would never push him. Even if his alpha chomped at the reins, _desperate_. Instead he pecked a soft kiss on Jaemin’s forehead, “Let’s go.”

_What the fuck?_ Jeno was furious.

“Ignore them.” Jaemin whispered. They were walking down the busy streets of Eastern Seoul, and a group of alphas that passed them directed some disgusting comments and gestures at Jaemin. He tightened his grip on Jeno’s hand as the alpha made to go after them.

“But-“ He was so taken aback by the incident, the sneers, the hunger with which they stared at Jaemin. Jeno didn’t even want to think about what could have happened if Jaemin had been walking down the street alone.

“Jen, it’s really okay. It doesn’t bother me.” Jaemin had learned to drown out those comments and ignore the looks. He turned to Jeno as they came to a standstill outside the place Jeno wanted to take him to.

“Does… this happen often?” Jeno asked, frowning. Upset, angry and concerned that Jaemin was subject to this kind of harassment. Was it common for omegas to be treated like this?

“All the time.” Jaemin admitted grimly.

“Jaem-“

“It’s okay, really… let’s just have fun tonight okay?” He laid his hand on Jeno’s cheek, stroking a thumb over his smooth skin, trying to comfort his boyfriend. He didn’t want anyone to ruin their first date.

“Alright.” Sighed, his anger fading at Jaemin’s touch and star-filled gaze.

_I think I love you_ , the thought popped into Jaemin’s head as he listened to Jeno tell him about his childhood. He loved listening to the alpha speak, sharing embarrassing moments of awkward adolescence in his deep voice.

Jeno had brought him to a casual barbeque place, and Jaemin was having the best time. It was noisy and bustling, the smell of grilling pork belly and soju in the air. They talked and joked and shared stories, thoughts and dreams.

“Tell me about your friends, you had so many pictures in your room of them.” Jeno asked, curious about the parts of Jaemin’s life he hadn’t seen yet.

“Hmm… Hyuck you know. We went to law school together, we were roommates in the dorms until my second year.” Jaemin shared, thinking about those first two years. It had been stressful, their class schedules packed. But it had also been fun, both full of dreams and ambitions.

“You moved out?” Jeno asked, sipping on his beer.

“Yeah… uhm end of second year I started living by myself. “ Jaemin hesitated, “Hyuck is an alpha… and I just… needed space.” He explained, giving Jeno just a small peak inside, but quickly shutting the door again.

Catching on, Jeno changed the subject, “And the others?”

“Jisung just finished med-school, he’s in the residency program at Gangnam Central. Then Chenle is a psychiatrist, he went to the same school as Jisung.” Jaemin continued to explain, glossing over the things he wasn’t saying. “And Renjun you know too, he’s actually an incredible artist. He just helps out at the firm part time.”

“You’ve known each other long?” Jeno asked, it was obvious in his tone how much he cared about them.

“Yeah, since we were kids.” He had known them all their lives, but Jaemin missed their closeness. They were still really good friends, but it hasn’t been the same for years.

“Well, since Mark and Hyuck are now a thing, we should all hang out some time.” Jeno suggested.

“Yeah, how did that happen by the way?” Jaemin wondered out loud, Hyuck hadn’t told them he was dating anyone? Or maybe he did, Jaemin had probably just not been around.

“I don’t know actually.” Jeno chuckled, the thought of his friend Mark being all fluffy and in love was quite amusing, “I just know he was in court one day and he couldn’t stop talking about this case he lost because the prosecutor was so damn good.” He smile at the memory of how frazzled Mark had been that day, “Next thing I know they’re inseparable.”

“It’s kind of cute.” Jaemin admitted, happy his friend had found someone.

A beat of silence fell, the clatter of the restaurant surrounding them.

“Jen…” Jaemin began, suddenly serious, nervous. He had wanted to talk to Jeno about some things when they got home, but he felt his thoughts and feelings bubble up as they were sharing such a memorable first date. If he waited until later, he may never say it.

“Hmm?” Jeno asked, frowning in concern at Jaemin’s tone.

“I’ve been thinking…” Jaemin hesitated, this was another big step for him, but it had been on his mind ever since Jeno had mentioned it. He didn’t have the time to look for a new place yet, but he also wanted to give Hyuck his space back. Especially now that he had Mark, Jaemin didn’t want to impose any longer. “I uhm… I want to – I’d like to stay with you.” The words rushed out of his mouth, his nerves making it difficult to speak.

Jeno didn’t say anything, instead he took Jaemin’s hand and brushed a kiss over his knuckles. Deeply moved by how much Jaemin trusted him, happy. _So damn happy_ he didn’t have to leave Jaemin behind the next morning.

“But, Jen … I’m … scared.” Jaemin admitted. As his feelings and thoughts bubbled over, the world around him suddenly going quiet, the din of the restaurant fading into the background.

“I’m afraid that… I’ll mess up, that I can’t do this… or I’ll hurt you. I don’t want to need you… ” _but I do._ Jaemin looked away, not wanting to meet Jeno’s eyes, wary of what he might see there.

“Jaem …”

“… I’m scared you’ll leave.” It spilled out. He knew he had problems, he knew how much bitterness, pain and poison was in his heart. He was terrified that Jeno would see it, all if it, and not want to stay.

Jeno blinked, taken aback by what was really bothering Jaemin.

“Angel, look at me,” Jeno began, leaning closer to Jaemin, “I’m not going anywhere. For as long as you’ll want me, I’ll stay.” He tried to comfort him, Jaemin’s eyes swirled with emotion, clutching at Jeno’s heart. He had to make it better.

“Jen.. I just –“ He couldn’t grasp how Jeno was so understanding, patient, he knew he was being ridiculous. Too emotional, too sensitive, too fearful. A bit embarrassed and regretful for spilling his heart like this. But Jeno was just so steadfast, unshaken. _There_.

“I love you.” Jeno said simply. He had felt it, had known it. Yet he hadn’t been planning on saying it so soon, never mind in the middle of a busy restaurant. But at that moment, no one else in the world existed, nothing else mattered except them, together.

“What?” Jaemin whispered. He must have misheard. No way, this was too much, too fast.

“I love you.” He repeated simply, “All of me belongs to you Jaem.”

Jaemin stared at the alpha, he didn’t know what to say, stunned. But he wasn’t scared anymore. _How?_ Everything was moving _so_ fast. They had their first kiss just that week, now Jeno was confessing his love. _I should be terrified, I should be more cautious._ All his adult life he had held back, suppressed feelings, denied himself because he was always _so afraid_ of vulnerability, of being open, of trust. Instead those crippling feelings were replaced with the smell of apples and the most beautiful crescent eyes.

“I love you too.” Jaemin whispered back with big eyes. _Oh my god I’m insane._

Jeno smiled brilliantly and leaned closer, kissing Jaemin fully, deeply, in the middle of a crowded restaurant. No one else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made myself cry :,) 
> 
> The Nomin ship is officially on course and sailing! <3 <3 <3
> 
> BUT what will happen when Jaemin moves in with Jeno? Is it too much too fast? Will he be okay? Who was really behind the fire?  
> So many things to come!! Tell me what you expect to happen next??
> 
> P.S. Enjoy this last bit of fluff before things get much more intense huihuihuihuihui


	19. Adronitis

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jaemin asked, smiling at Jeno over the chocolate he was munching on.

“I just… how much sugar can you eat?” Jeno teased, stunned. He had picked at his dinner when they were in the restaurant, but his consumption of sweets seemed to have no end.

Jaemin shrugged, popping another piece in his mouth as he folded his legs beneath him, comfortable on the sofa next to Jeno.

“I really like sweet things.” He smiled.

After dinner they had wandered the streets of night-life Seoul, talking, teasing, sloppily in love. Jeno had bought every single cupcake, sweet and snack that caught Jaemin’s attention – his love for sugar _so_ endearing. Now they were back at the apartment, dressed in sweats, packed and ready.

“Do you thi –“ Jaemin began, but stopped, eyes suddenly going wide.

“Baby? What’s wr-?” Jeno began to ask, catching sight of Jaemin’s suddenly pale face. Then he caught a whiff of Jaemin’s scent. Potent, alluring, addictive.

Without a word, Jeno took Jaemin in his arms.

“I’m here angel.” He whispered against Jaemin’s soft hair. He felt the omega sigh into his arms as the smell of spicy apples wrapped around them. Jeno carefully scented Jaemin, lingering longer than he should.

“Jen…” Jaemin moaned softly.

Jeno pulled back to meet his eyes, they were bright with violet light, his cheeks flushed. Thinking this was where Jaemin was drawing the line, Jeno pulled back more. Suddenly, Jaemin reached out and sharply pulled Jeno back to him.

Jeno had never been kissed like that before in his life. Deep, hot, demanding. Jaemin licked into his mouth, tasting of chocolate and heaven, sweet wetness and trembling fire. Jeno reached for him, but Jaemin had other plans. With strength Jeno didn’t know Jaemin had, he pushed him down hard, straddling his hips, mouths not parting. Set on fire with lust and new found love, their hearts and bodies danced as Jaemin devoured him. Jaemin moaned against Jeno’s mouth as he felt the alpha grow hard against him, like lightning meeting the earth. The ocean in a storm, bodies melded together like water. They rocked into one another, and again, and again. The room painted with the sounds of moans and gasps, both pain and pleasure.

Hot, needy and so, so wet, Jaemin pulled at the hem of Jeno’s shirt, _craving_ bare skin. All manner of thought had left him, his mind overrun with pulsating greed. All he knew was that he wanted Jeno inside him, a dying man in need of salvation. Hands roamed and stroked and worshipped, neither their spirits nor bodies strangers anymore.

Jeno’s alpha growled and moaned, desperate, ripping at its reigns. Needing more of Jaemin, more skin, more fire, _more more more_. Jeno rose up, Jaemin wrapping his legs around the alpha’s waist, opening himself to more of Jeno. Jeno pulled at Jaemin’s thighs, _closer_. Jaemin yanked at Jeno’s shirt, for just a moment their lips parted as he got rid of the cursed material. Jeno’s muscular waist free, Jaemin let his fingers dance over his smooth skin. Nipping, pressing, stroking. Jeno reached up and kissed Jaemin’s throat. Licking, sucking, nibbling, marking. Jeno reached between their bodies, his strokes making Jaemin shiver like water that dances for the moon. _Delicious._ He gasped and moaned, the sound of Jaemin’s pleasure making the world tilt beneath him.

Desperate to sink into him, dance among the stars with the love of his life, his whole world, Jeno’s lips found Jaemin’s again and he kissed him with such unrestrained _want_ , the omega thought he might be set on fire. Red flickering at the edges of his mind, his veins throbbing, knowing what he wanted to happen next, Jeno gripped at the last shards of his sanity.

“Jeam?” He whispered against his mouth, breathless “Are you sure about this?”

For a moment it seemed that Jaemin hadn’t heard him, still lost in the kiss, the _heat._ But then the omega stilled. Slowly he drew away, looking down at Jeno, the sharp glow of violet clashing with bright alpha red.

 _What am I doing?_ A stray, fractured thought appeared, his mind undone. _This isn’t me._

Jeno watched in dismay as violet light faded and the blood drained from Jaemin’s face. Almost as if he had come to the realisation that he had just made a terrible mistake. He immediately pulled away, scrambling out of Jeno’s lap.

“Jaemin?” Jeno asked, reaching out for him, not understanding. The omega stepped back, out of reach, unsteady and shaking. Jeno’s heart cracked.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have…it’s too much… I _can’t…_ ”

“Baby…” Jeno spoke softly walking over, Jaemin backed away again. Jeno halted in his steps, feeling like he had been burned. Just moments ago they were skin to skin, heart to heart, how did they go from that to _this?_

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin spoke again, eyes tormented, “I can’t do this. I’m sorry Jeno… I – I thought I could… but I can’t…” he saw the shock and hurt in Jeno’s eyes.

“Jaemin, don’t do this…” Jeno pleaded, devastated by what he knew would come next.

“I – I can’t be with you … I’m sorry Jeno.” Jaemin had been so close to losing himself, giving it _all._ This was too much, to fast. He was suddenly awash with guilt and regret, he never should have confessed, regardless of how much he really loved Jeno, he let this go too far.

Silence fell between them as the scent of arousal was replaced by the burn of hurt. Jeno had no words left, his heart in tatters, not fully comprehending what had just happened. Light headed from the sharp sting in his chest, ice poured over his head.

Finally he found his voice, “I uh… I think I’ll go now… if you – If you need anything, just… let me know …” he couldn’t look at him, he wanted to _beg_. Plead for Jaemin to stay with him, but he _couldn’t._ Jaemin was clearly upset, pushed too far. Jeno felt like the heaven he had held in his hand had been an illusion. The sweetest dream he had just been awoken from.

Jaemin could do nothing but watch as Jeno slowly put on his shirt, gathered his things and left. As the door shut, his tears spilled over, heart crumbling.

Tormented all night by what had happened that week, Jaemin didn’t sleep a wink. He smoked, drank, smoked some more, drank some more. The apartment too empty, too dark and quiet. He felt sick, sickened by himself, to such an extent his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. In that intense moment they had, tangled together, needy, Jaemin had lost himself. He had been so consumed by being with Jeno he couldn’t think straight. Was he just an animal? Uncontrollable? _Am I just like_ them?

Jaemin felt nauseous. Was he just like _those_ alphas who didn’t think about anything except their own pleasure? No thought for others or for the consequences of their actions? Pushing, pushing, pushing, demanding. He didn’t want to sleep with Jeno, not yet anyway, he knew he wasn’t ready but still _somehow_ he lost himself and had nearly run off a cliff.

And because he couldn’t control himself, control his emotions like he thought he was so good at, he hurt Jeno. If wasn’t just an emotional _omega_ , so sensitive, none of this would have happened. He shouldn’t have fallen in love, he shouldn’t have confessed. _Stupid, stupid, stupid. You’re so stupid. You should have known better. Weak, weak, weak._

Self-deprecating thoughts burned in his chest like grief as he packed his things and left.

Jaemin checked into a hotel, sent a message of thanks to Hyuck and was now waiting for the city to wake up and morning to begin so that he could go out and do _something_. Anything to get his mind off of how self-destructive he felt at that moment. Slightly paranoid, trying to keep his mind away from Jeno, Jaemin sprayed himself with scent blockers he had picked up on the way to the hotel and poured himself two fingers of whiskey. It wasn’t 8 am yet. Chucking the copper liquid down in one gulp, he was just about to pour another glass when his phone rang. His heart skipped a beat when he thought for a moment it was Jeno calling. It wasn’t. Jaemin’s face fell in a frown as he checked the caller ID. It was his dealer.

“Hello?” he answers, weary

 _“Mr Lawyer!”_ the man greeted back

“What do you want?” he snapped, not knowing why he had even answered the phone. Or maybe he did know, but he was too afraid to admit that dark part of himself still existed.

 _“Nawh man why so salty?”_ he teased Jaemin with his Busan drawl.

“Where have you been?” he demanded, if this stupid little man had just picked up his phone weeks before after Jaemin had lost pills in the fire, he wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

_“Calm down bro, sheesh. I’m back in town and I got new supply. Meet me in an hour at the usual place yeah?”_

For just a moment Jaemin hesitated, but some far part of him had already made up its mind even before the dealer had called.

“Okay.”

Hours later, Jaemin sat in his hotel room as the sun climbed into late morning. The golden rays painted the expensive room in the most beautiful hues. Completely at odds with the twisted darkness in his heart, the ugly things, poisonous things running through his mind.

He studied the orange bottle in his hand, thinking, twirling it in his hand over and over again. He thought about his scent, his heat, his feelings. His thoughts turning back to Jeno. The alpha had promised to stay, and Jaemin knew he would still be on his side no matter how difficult it would be now, if he called him now he knew Jeno would come right away. If Jaemin begged him to come back, Jeno would be understanding and forgiving like he always was. But he wouldn’t call, he wouldn’t beg, Jaemin had ruined everything, he was selfish and broken. _Jeno deserves better._

Giving up, letting go, Jaemin popped the cap and tossed two pills in his mouth, chased with a gulp of whiskey. A single tear rolling down his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hurt :,) 
> 
> Recovery doesn't happen in a straight line, but do you think Jaemin could have handled his feelings differently? Maybe talked instead of running away? And now poor Jenito is heartbroken too!! :<
> 
> What's next for Nomin? Will Jaemin fall back into old ways again completely? or will Jeno pull him out? So many possibilities, but what do you think will happen? What would you do if you were Jeno?
> 
> P.S. this ship is never sinking so don't worry ;)
> 
> P.P.S. Updates will slow down for a bit, the week ahead is a busy one <3


End file.
